Anyone in a long relationship knows that things change over time.
In fact, without effort, “boring and stale” might be the default state of marriage.
In over a decade as a coach helping people fix, save, and create relationships I’ve learned that stale, boring and complacent this doesn’t have to be your fate. At all.
Even so, if you’re living this right now, there are some solutions that might sound too simple but can actually make a huge difference in renewing your bond.
Before I share these ways you can improve your marriage, I want to share several things you need to know to actually make these ways to improve your marriage work for you.
It’s super common for my coaching clients to launch into a big marriage improvement effort for 2 weeks and then not get the result they hope for.
Then, they start losing hope and feel worse about their marriage than before they started.
I don’t want this to happen to you, so here’s what I want you to keep in mind.
Have an experimental mindset
When I was getting divorced, I read Michelle Weiner’s insightful book Divorce Busting.
One of the main insights I gained was about how inflexible I had been in my efforts to improve my relationship with my husband.
If something I tried didn’t work immediately, or I wasn’t sure about the results after one or two tries, I felt defeated and wanted to give up. Then I built up a bunch of resentment about what he was and wasn’t doing in the relationship.
This was horribly unhelpful and I don’t want you to fall in this trap.
Use these ways to improve your marriage like a menu of things you can experiment with, not a checklist of things to try once and then declare your marriage better or worse.
Most great relationships have a mixture of these elements.
When you have an experimental mindset, you can find out what actually works for you and your spouse, not what you think should work.
That brings me to my next point about what you might think should work.
Manage your expectations
You will probably destabilize the whole relationship, drive them away and end up feeling hopeless if you approach making your marriage great with ultra high expectations.
Right now, you are the one who has decided to try new things to improve your relationship.
This doesn’t mean that your spouse will not eventually join you in making more of an effort or that they aren’t as committed as you are.
How they take your efforts doesn’t mean they don’t love you anymore or that your marriage is doomed.
It just means that most people need to dial back and down the very human tendency to do something and look for an immediate positive result to their actions.
Patience, patience, patience
When people get too comfortable, complacent and things get stale, rocky or boring, that reality becomes the status quo.
It can take over a year (minimum) to revive a marriage that has gotten stale, boring and rocky.
That’s why you will need patience if you want to make things consistently better.
Focus on what is working between you
If I had to share one magic superpower that is the difference between success and failure at reviving a stale marriage, it is your focus.
Usually people who are struggling with anything are focused on the problem and not the solution.
This is even more true when they feel stressed, anxious and unhappy, just like when they have noticed a problem in their marriage.
All of those negative feelings come from our thoughts about the situation and specifically what those thoughts are focused on.
You get more of what you focus on.
If you focus on what your partner is doing right, you will feel more hopeful and likely to succeed at making your marriage better.
If you consistently focus on what your spouse is doing wrong, what is missing or what you used to have that you don’t have now, you’ll probably feel lonely and terrible.
Improving your marriage will probably be difficult if not impossible.
If you try these things and you see positive changes, even if they seem small and insignificant, like you argue 7 times this week instead of the usual 10, focus on doing more of what has been working.
Not the fact that you argued 7 times and you want it to be zero.
Alright, with that said, here are the best ways I know to breathe life back into a stale marriage.
Be kind and considerate
Remember in the beginning of the relationship how everyone was on their Sunday best behavior, quirks were “cute” and things between you went smoothly?
Unfortunately, over time, many people lose their manners with their partner.
Some spouses even become downright mean and abusive, at least verbally so.
And, when things between you become stale
Go out of your way sympathetic if it’s been a hard day or something has happened to bring your partner sadness or concern.
Fix yourself up a bit
Don’t believe that you only have to care about your appearance when you go out in public. Taking care of yourself is attractive.
Making an effort to present your best side is a way of being respectful of your partner’s feelings. It lets them know you care what they think about you.
Be attentive
Take a few minutes out of your day to do something for your partner. Bring them the newspaper. Water their plants.
Let your partner know that you care about the things they care about!
And whatever you do, make sure it’s something THEY care about.
Avoid criticizing them
Renown relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman have found after decades of research that there are 4 things they have dubbed The 4 Horsemen (Of The Apocalypse) which spell death to relationships in the long term.
One of them is criticism which they say is likely also the most common.
Criticism is a real turn-off for everyone. Keep in mind that people are sensitive. This includes you and your spouse.
It’s amazing how different “I just love the way you look in your new red shirt” sounds from “Surely you aren’t going to wear that ragged, faded blue thing again!”
Even if you’ve been together a long time, this isn’t the time to get “brutally honest.”
Remember that honey catches more flies than vinegar.
Respect your partner’s opinion
Re-think your desire to be right. Always be respectful of his opinion even if you know it’s wrong. Try and cultivate the ability to agree to disagree on things that don’t really matter.
Much of the advice you will find for repairing relationships will encourage you to remember what it was that made you fall in love in the first place, the attitudes and behaviors you had when you got together may be more important.
When people are together for a long time, they can become too comfortable, critical and quick to anger.
Try to never take your partner for granted, whether it’s been 5 months or 50 years. Say thank you for everything considerate that he does. You appreciate that from them, right?
Just think about how you feel when they doesn’t notice the little things you do for them.
If they can’t ever make you happy, it’s a pretty surefire way to alienate him and ruin your relationship.
Cultivate your own interests
At a time like this, it’s hard to think of yourself and all too common to dwell on the whole situation. I want to challenge you to stretch yourself a little bit.
Is there something new you’ve been wanting to try?
Is there a long-neglected hobby that you quit at some point?
This is the time to cultivate your own interests.
People who are involved in something outside their relationship consistently report that they are happier.
And, if things are stale in your relationship, having other interests also gives you something interesting to talk about.
Schedule regular date nights
Prioritize quality time together to reconnect and have fun.
Try something new together
Break out of routines by exploring new hobbies, activities, or experiences as a couple.
Communicate openly and regularly
Create space for honest, non-judgmental conversations about feelings, needs, and desires.
Express gratitude
Make a habit of acknowledging and appreciating each other, even for small things.
Surprise each other
Bring excitement back by leaving love notes, planning surprises, or doing thoughtful gestures.
Rekindle physical intimacy
Focus on affection through touch, hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical closeness.
Address unresolved issues
Have open conversations about any underlying problems and work on resolving them together.
Try couples therapy
Consider seeing a professional to help navigate challenges and gain new tools for your relationship.
Set relationship goals together
Create shared goals and dreams to give the relationship a sense of purpose and direction.
Take responsibility for your own happiness
Work on self-growth and self-care, which can naturally improve the marriage.
Reconnect emotionally
Spend time reminiscing about the good times or discuss what first attracted you to each other.
Create small rituals
Morning coffee together, evening walks, or weekly check-ins can create a sense of connection.
Practice active listening
Be fully present when your partner speaks, validating their emotions and thoughts.
Be intentional with compliments
Notice and voice what you love and admire about your partner.
Spend time apart to recharge
Sometimes taking time for yourself can help you appreciate each other more when you’re together.
Play together
Laughter is key. Play games, share jokes, or engage in lighthearted activities that make you both laugh.
Focus on teamwork
Work on shared projects or problems together to reignite that “we’re in this together” mindset.
Experiment with new ways to make your partner feel loved.
Relearn what makes your partner feel loved by asking and experimenting with different love languages.
Bring back courtship behaviors
Treat your spouse like you’re dating again by flirting, dressing up, and sending sweet messages.
Forgive past grievances
Let go of old resentments to create space for new positive experiences.
Remember love is a verb
Remembering that old saying that love is a verb instead of an adjective is a great way of getting perspective on your relationship.
You love someone actively with the things you say and do.
If you don’t love your partner in an active way, then you aren’t likely to get the relationship you hope for back.
On the other hand, if you show him that you are concerned for his well-being and over-all try and make life more pleasant for him, it will come back to you in spades.
Don’t bend over and become a doormat, but don’t shy away from doing nice things for him either.
Some couples in long-term relationships say that they have fallen in and out of each other many times. It’s normal to have highs and lows.
If you respect and value your partner through thick and thin, creating variation will break up the day to day monotony.
