Today we’re going to be talking about seven things that don’t lead to commitment and exclusivity with our ex.
I want to talk about and dispel some common beliefs, myths and stumbling blocks that people have on the way towards getting a commitment and getting back together with their ex.
Here are 7 things that will NOT get your ex back.
1. Ex sex
A lot of people try to use sex as the back door to getting commitment and exclusivity with their ex, especially if they’re concerned about re-attraction or the friend zone.
It’s very common for people to focus on their sexual chemistry.
They think if the sexual vibe and flirting are there, then they’re clearly not in the friend zone– which means they must in good standing to get back together with their ex and get a commitment from them, right?
First of all, you don’t need to worry about the friend zone. I’ve talked about that a ton. Beyond that, sex is just sex.
If you’re trying to use sex as a trick or a trap to get a commitment from your ex like, “Haha! We had sex, therefore you must commit to being my boyfriend or girlfriend again” then it’s just not going to work.
It’s going to seem like, “OK, well I just had sex with you because I want you to come back to me.”
That’s not going to feel very good. It’s going to feel kind of icky and make your ex pull away because they’re going to think, “Who are you? It was a mistake to have sex.” So that’s not a good way to do it.
If there’s any sort of implicit, under the radar, quid-pro-quo thing going on in your mind, that’s usually a sign of what we call a covert contract and it’s usually a pretty bad thing. It’s not going to really get you what you want out of love or out of life.
I strongly recommend that you avoid that kind of thing and just kind of erase it from your mind.
If you want to have sex with your ex, that’s totally fine, just enjoy it for what it is and don’t attach all of these strings to it.
Don’t think if you have sex with somebody that they owe you something in return. Just enjoy it for what it is. If it’s within the bounds of your ethics and morals, go ahead and do it.
Otherwise, I’m going to recommend that you pass it up.
2. Using logic and reason to convince your ex to get back together
The second thing that does not lead to connection with your ex is making a strong logical case for why the two of you should get back together.
Oftentimes people will try to reason with their ex and try to talk some sense into them. They’ll try to explain why it makes sense to get back together, why things are going to be different this time and say something like, “I’ve already quit smoking so the house won’t smell like cigarettes anymore” or whatever they come up with.
They are making a logical explanation about why they should get back together.
The problem is that your ex is not going to want to commit to you out of logic unless they’re just out to get something— like they want your money or something like that, right? But they don’t actually care about you.
If they actually love you and want to commit to you, that choice is going to come from their heart. If you want to speak to their heart, you have to speak to the emotional side of them. You can’t use logic and reason with them.
You have to focus on the quality of your emotional connection above everything else.
Once you have that good strong emotional connection, your ex will make up their own logical reasoning for getting back together with you, for spending more time with you, for clearing out all the obstacles– rebound relationships— or whatever it might be that’s standing between you and them.
They will reason it out on their own because they have that feeling inside of them that says, “Yes, this is the person I want to be with. This is the person I should be with. This is the person I love.”
And it’s that feeling that will move all of the mountains out of the way and get them to commit and get back together with you.
Spoiler alert: it’s the emotional connection that is going to get your ex to commit to you again.
3. Begging, pleading and making promises to change
The third thing that is not going to get your ex back together with you is begging, pleading, and promising things are going to be different.
Most people probably already know this from experience. Most people, when they go through a break up do at least a little bit of begging and pleading and promising things would be different.
You already know if that kind of thing worked, you probably wouldn’t be here reading this.
The reason why it doesn’t work is because your ex is thinking, “Too little, too late. You have got to show me by walking the walk not just talking the talk.”
So you can’t just say, “Hey, this is going to be better in the long run and I promise I’ll change all of these things.” Your ex doesn’t want to hear words, they want to see actions.
They don’t want to hear logic and reasoning. They want to have the feeling that you will follow through.
4. The grand, romantic gesture
The grand romantic gesture could be anything from flying across the country to surprise them with a wedding proposal, writing a love poem for them, writing a song, sending them gifts in the mail, buying extravagant jewelry, singing to them outside of their balcony window or something along those lines.
Those are the grand romantic gestures that rarely work.
The reason why is because it’s so focused on the event of getting back together.
There are really two ways that people try to get their ex back.
One is by focusing on the events along the way, things like what you say and do.
When you’re focusing on The Event, you’re thinking about the idyllic moment when the two of you get back together.
The birds are chirping in the background, you’re sitting with a fountain behind you. It’s really quiet. The leaves are green. It’s a nice shady park or something and you’re saying, “You know, I’ve been thinking we should get back together.” You’re focused on that one moment in time.
That’s the kind of thinking that creates these grand romantic gestures where you’re so focused on the one moment in time.
And that’s one way of thinking about getting back together with your ex that usually doesn’t work because it completely ignores the second way of thinking about getting back together— The Process.
The process is not as sexy, cool and attractive as the event but it’s the way that you get to the event.
How are you going to have that long drawn out moment when neither one of you wants to say goodbye?
How are you going to get to that point?
It’s by having a strong emotional connection.
It’s by showing up 100%.
It’s by being curious and empathetic.
It’s by having those small little moments together where you smile and share the little inside joke.
That’s how you get the process going. And the process is what sets up the event to happen.
Most people neglect the process and want to leap frog over to the event.
They ask me, “Dude, how do I get a long, drawn out moment where she doesn’t want to say goodbye?”
And I can’t write them a line like, “Oh yeah, so you got something on your lip, baby. Want to get back together?” getting back together doesn’t work like that.
It has to be something that’s special and unique to you, your ex and your situation.
Invest more in the process of getting back together.
It’s those sort of dull moments when you ask, “Hey, how’s your day going?” And they say, “Fine, my day is good.”
It’s sharing more and more about yourself over time.
It’s going to be one of those small little moments that show your ex, “hey, I’m open, I’m vulnerable. You can share with me more. We can actually bond more together.”
It’s these small little process moments that are going to lead to this big event.
Focus more on the process.
The small, dull, seemingly ordinary, seemingly inconsequential moments that take you step-by-step up the staircase, consistently over time towards getting back together rather than trying to use big romantic gestures.
5. Giving your ex an ultimatum
The next thing that will not get your ex back together with you is delivering an ultimatum.
Most people know that ultimatums aren’t a good idea but they do them anyway because it feels powerful and self-righteous to draw a line in the sand.
And, it’s a change of pace because often when people are going through breakups and they want to get their ex back, they often feel powerless.
Switching up that energy can feel good for a brief moment until you realize that when you back someone in a corner and force them to choose your way or not at all, they’ll most often choose not at all.
Never, ever deliver an ultimatum unless you are 100% OK with your ex choosing the option that you don’t want them to choose.
You have to be prepared to follow through with your ultimatum if you are going to deliver it.
The most encouraging thing out there is having a strong emotional connection.
Ultimatums are not very good at causing strong emotional connections to occur unless those strong emotions are anger and frustration.
Those are generally not emotions you want your ex associating with you if you want to get back together with them.
So, focus on the emotional connection between you, not on delivering an ultimatum.
6. Reminding your ex of the past
Next thing that does not get your ex back together with you is reminding them of how great and wonderful the past was, right?
That’s because your ex also knows how bad the past was. Your ex remembers how things were really, really bad and how they were SO bad they had to break up with you and walk out the door, right?
By bringing the spotlight back to the past, you’re really bringing the spotlight back to all the reasons why your ex doesn’t want to work things out with you.
So don’t try to revive and resurrect the past. I’m sure the two of you had great times together but there was probably something that didn’t work out as well.
You want to have the focus on how good things are feeling now, on how much the connection is happening right now in the present moment.
And so, always, always, always, always focus on the quality of the emotional connection that you have right now.
7. Acting like you’re still coupled up
The final thing that does not get your ex to commit to you is trying to make it seem like the two of you are still in a relationship with one another.
An example of that is saying, “Oh hey, what’s up? Do you want to go out together with my two friends, John and Jane?
They are a married couple and the four of us could go out together and we could get dinner together and go to drinks together and go bowling together. It would almost be like a double date.”
That’s the kind of thing where you’re trying to make it seem like the two of you are in a relationship because you’re next to another couple and it looks like two couples, right?
Your underlying message is, “Yeah, dummy, come on, get it in your head that we should get committed and get back together.”
That doesn’t work because it’s a covert contract. You are not focusing on the quality of the connection in the present moment between the two of you.
This strategy is focused on making it seem like you are doing something that is not actually happening on an emotional level.
To have the real rock sturdy relationship you really want, you have to have an emotional connection with your ex.
Nobody wants to just be able to fill out the check box “In a relationship.” Or be able to say they’re “in a relationship” on Facebook, right?
You actually want to have the connection between you where it’s great, the sparks are flying, there’s chemistry, where the hours just sort of slip by and it seems like only minutes have passed, right?
If that’s what you really want, don’t focus on trying to make it seem like the two of you are in a relationship.
Instead, just focus on having that kind of connection and the relationship will follow.
Again, these are seven things that do not lead to successful reconnection with your ex.
To learn more about what you can do to create strong emotional connection with your ex, join me inside The New Beginnings course here.
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