A few life-tested suggestions that are easy to apply
We are scanners. Maybe not fully aware of everything we see (the one reading the scans sometimes doesn’t interpret them well 😊 ), but humans are the best scanners in the world.
This trait of assessing what and who is in front of us has evolved because we need it. We need to assess well and quickly what is happening in front of us to protect ourselves from situations and from people.
Or to gain something from those situations and people. That’s why our senses are sharpened, especially our sight. Our vision is so precise that we can quickly evaluate facial expressions, changes in the environment, the intentions of the person in front of us, etc.
Now, sometimes, we ignore what we’ve seen in front of us. That’s why we don’t let some people come close to us—our scan has detected something that doesn’t suit us. For other people, we ignore obvious red flags… again, because we see something in them that we like.
So:
- If someone rejects us from the very beginning, there’s a small chance their view of us will change because their internal scan has already assessed us.
- Your impressions should be best if you want a chance with people you like.
And when I say the best possible, I don’t mean being overly lovely, a people-pleaser, or anything like that. Rather, you should offer the person in front of you the correct dose of everything their inner world requires. By now, it’s roughly known what the inner world seeks.
So, if you want to date someone, here are some tips.
Preconditions:
To even get a chance to date someone, you need to meet certain preconditions.
And these are preconditions that should not be up for negotiation. You’ll soon understand why.
Maintaining hygiene.
The aforementioned scanner interprets poor hygiene as a lack of self-care.
It then triggers red alarms, thinking that if this person doesn’t take care of themselves, they probably won’t take care of their home or other people, like their partners. Poor hygiene sets off alarms: I can’t rely on this person. They lack basic effort and commitment—both to themselves and surely to others.
Clothing.
Whatever your style, remember that your style is either opening or closing doors to many people.
For example, if you dress like a punk, you are closing the door to all those who don’t like punk. If you dress only in sportswear, it’s clear whom you’re opening your doors to.
Of course, I recommend clothes that match the occasion but also send a universally acceptable message.
For instance, dresses convey femininity, suits suggest influence and power, and pants with lots of pockets hint at an adventurous spirit.
Pause and think about what message you want to send and what type of clothing delivers that message.
Who Should You Be?
You should be yourself. Authenticity:
Hypothetically, it’s possible to fake being something you’re not, but it’s likely that this won’t work and that the person will see you’re pretending. We’re not convincing in roles, especially since roles must eventually end. But we are convincing when we are ourselves.
I understand you might think you’re not good enough (and that this might be why you don’t have a partner), but that’s often not the reason. If you want to explore why you’re struggling to find a good relationship, this is a good read: How Not to Get Rejected.
Now, I would like to clarify a few things:
- You don’t know what the person in front of you wants and is looking for.
- Therefore, the chances of guessing it correctly are lower.
- Even if you do guess right, your role won’t last long if it’s not authentically yours.
The simplest thing you can do is just be yourself.
The person may be looking for precisely what you are. That is sustainable, and you’ll be less stressed during dates because you won’t be pretending.
If you’re unhappy with who you are, you can always talk about your ambitions and what you plan to change. But of course, if the dating continues, it won’t be enough just to talk about it.
Work on everything you dislike about yourself.
That’s the only way to resolve it and overcome the dissatisfaction.
Have manners
Be on time, don’t constantly check your phone, don’t talk with your mouth full, etc.
No one expects you to read up on etiquette before going on a date, but as I said, people observe and assess what they will get from being with us.
Poor manners suggest that the person may come from a rougher background or be bold enough to neglect what their parents taught them. Neither of these signals a promising future.
Act as though you are precious
Before going on dates, reflect on your value. Find your worth in something you can be proud of. Go on the date with the thought, “I bring this to the table, and it is valuable.”
There is a correlation between how we view ourselves and how much others like us. People are more likely to be drawn to you if you have a favorable opinion of yourself.
- If you genuinely have nothing to be proud of, either work on what you believe is essential or go through therapy. As a psychotherapist, I see this as a self-image issue.
Still, if you act as though you are precious, as I said, the person in front of you will pick up on the signal you’re sending with their sharp senses and will believe it. This will increase your chances of attracting that person and making them want to stay with you.
Be enthusiastic
People love those who are enthusiastic about their lives. Everyone looks for positive emotions, so enthusiasm can easily be transferred to others.
- A small recommendation, though it conflicts with the advice on authenticity, is to study what kind of enthusiasm people generally like.
For example, enthusiasm about living unemployed with minimal expenses may appeal to some people, but it may not be for others.
So, think about what you’ll show enthusiasm for.
Still, enthusiasm is generally good, so you will go right by showing it both about your life and what the other person is talking about. This also includes suggesting that people should be optimistic about life and not complain too much.
Some people will, of course, like complaining and a negative outlook, but some won’t. You might not know who’s in front of you.
- Also, be careful of people who enjoy others’ bad moods, complaining, negativity…
If you have problems or don’t like something and feel the need to complain, devise a solution for what you’re talking about. Communicate that you have a plan for how you’ll resolve things. This still gives a positive angle to your complaining in a way that says: I solve my problems, I’m brave and capable, I don’t give up.
Be confident
If you’re not confident, it’s a good idea to reflect on why and work on it.
But in a nutshell, having a determined attitude, refusing to accept things you don’t like, and expressing your will, thoughts, and ideas are all signs of confidence.
The simplest ways to present yourself as confident are:
- You make decisions (where you’ll meet, when it will be, when the date will end, etc.).
- If something doesn’t please you, communicate it freely and openly. Stop behaviors that you don’t like.
- Talk about your plans and ambitions. Only confident people have plans and ambitions. People who lack confidence wait for others to lead them.
- Your will must come first. If the person you’re dating wants something that you don’t like or, for some reason, cannot fulfill, you should communicate that. For example, if they’re going to meet over the weekend and that doesn’t work for you, clearly communicate that and offer alternative solutions.
Be kind
Kindness is highly rated on the list of desirable traits in people.
Don’t confuse kindness with naivety or neurosis. Kindness combined with confidence is a beautiful mix. It shows a person who knows what they want but doesn’t hurt anyone.
We have many opportunities to show kindness daily so that you can do this with waiters, people you interact with, neighbors, acquaintances, etc. All this will leave a good impression on the person you’re dating. And once again (never forget), people scan everything and see everything.
Kindness gives the impression that you care for the person you’re dating, consider their feelings, and be open to cooperation.
Conversely, rudeness will likely make the person feel embarrassed by your behavior and give them a clear picture of what life would be like with you.
Tips:
If you don’t know what to talk about – listen.
First, you need to assess whether the person would rather talk or listen, so be prepared for both situations.
If the person wants to talk (if they enjoy talking about themselves):
People love to talk about themselves, their interests, and their expertise. Your role is to encourage them with good questions to talk about themselves.
It’s also good to show interest in what interests that person. For example, if the person doesn’t care much about their job, that topic will usually be tiresome for them.
That’s why safe topics are hobbies, interests, things they do for fun, or things that bring them joy.
If they want to listen:
The same rules apply. Excite yourself by talking about your interests. You can share your experiences or your plans.
We’ve already said it’s best to be authentic, so if you think the person won’t like what you want to talk about (and they’re not much of a talker), maybe this isn’t your person. Because if you manage to keep the relationship going, does that mean you’ll never discuss your interests?
In general, if you adjust to become something the other person will like, unfortunately, it won’t last. Sooner or later, the real you will come out, and things could fall apart. Sooner or later, you’ll tire of being something you’re not.
Leave if you don’t like the person or the date
You’ll save both yourself and the other person time.
End the conversation on a positive note.
There’s a hypothesis about the last impression we leave on people—that it’s the most important one. So, make sure that the final impression before the date ends is a good one. Some people achieve this by parting ways when the date is at its most interesting point.
One thing that’s not a hypothesis but a truth is that people always seek positive emotions. So, ensure that the person feels positive emotions throughout the entire date.
Laughter, interest in them, and the occasional meaningful compliment should yield good results.
Plan interesting places for dates.
Restaurants and cafés are classic choices, and some people prefer them. But even there, you can choose better options. You can pick places with pleasant atmospheres and beautiful views. Your choice of location will also send a signal to the person about what you prefer and what they can expect from you.
However, some people might find it more attractive to do something fun together. It’s not a bad idea to figure out what that person prefers (a good source of information is their social media).
It could be a walk or some fun activity.
The more fun the activity, the more chances you have to trigger positive hormones. And the more the person feels joy, the more likely they associate that feeling with you. As we’ve already mentioned—people seek positive emotions, so if you give them those, they will gravitate toward you.
Certain hormones that stimulate excitement are also linked to our love center. It’s not very professional for me to talk about neuroscience, but to put it very simply, the amygdala, the gland responsible for fear but also for reward and happiness, is activated when we find ourselves in exciting situations. The amygdala is also responsible for falling in love.
That’s why it’s sometimes recommended to meet the person you like in exciting situations; they’ll associate that feeling with your presence. This could be roller coasters, paintball, concerts—any place where excitement can be felt.
Bonus Tips:
- Don’t talk about your ex
No matter how painful or essential the topic is for you.
The person you’re on a date with will interpret it as:
- Either you haven’t gotten over your ex,
- or you’re bitter,
- or you have unresolved issues.
Whichever way they take it, it will seem like you’re bringing baggage into the relationship.
Regarding ex-partners, speak briefly and factually on the first dates. When the time comes, and you get to know each other better, you can share your story.
- Someone said the point of the first date is to get to the second date. The end of the second date is to get to the third date. The fact of the third date is…
This means you should try to be your best on each date (hopefully, I’ve given you some solid guidelines). Don’t think about the tenth date, a shared vacation, or living together—rather, focus all your goodwill and energy on shining on that date. This will more likely lead to the person becoming genuinely interested in you rather than focusing on future planning and trying hard to please them.
Be great on the date (just the one you’re going on), which will likely lead to good results. If it doesn’t—it’s not your person.
These are some general rules on how to date in a way that leaves the best impression and opens up opportunities for another date.
