We all had that one (or many) connections with people that were amazing and had a lot of potentials, only for them to disappear out of nowhere, with no explanations whatsoever.
You might have shared great experiences with them and they might even have given you enough reasons to explore a future with them, but that all goes away suddenly when they chose to ghost you.
You, going through this situation, of course, get frustrated and surprised at how things just suddenly changed.
You start questioning yourself by going through the last texts you’ve had and dates you’ve shared, but you don’t find anything cut clear.
You think and think and think about it until you either give up and just try to move on or even worse, start messaging them again asking if something went wrong.
And then you get a cold response if at all, that makes you frustrated even more.
After a while eventually, you move on, just even for a bit, and accept the fact that you’re just not going to see that person you enjoyed spending time with.
Even though you secretly hope otherwise.
Then one day and all of a sudden, you get that dreaded message:
“hey”.
No explanations, no apologies, nothing. Just a short and quick greeting.
And it gets you very confused.
You start to recall all the negative frustrations from before again, thinking you’ve moved on entirely, but you realize you haven’t quite made it to the other side 100%.
“So why is that?”, you might wonder.
Why do Ghosters come back? Do they always do?
How should you handle it when a ghoster does come back?
In this article, we’ll discuss everything you need to know about ghosters — why they come/don’t come back and how to handle the situation like a mature individual who knows what’s best for them.
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Why Ghosters Come Back
1. They Could Not Replace You
The most common reason why ghosters come back is their lack of options.
People are as powerful as their options — the more compatible options they have, the more possibilities they get.
And this applies in relationships too.
This also means that whenever someone has a problem finding options, they can feel lonely.
And when people feel lonely, they get forced to do things they normally don’t do, and contacting people from the past they’ve ghosted is one of those desperate things.
So when you have an old flame or a ghoster contacting you out of nowhere, it could possibly be that they went on to explore other options, but couldn’t get any, then felt lonely, and so they came back to contact you.
When this is the case, you have to understand that you’re not exactly dealing with someone who actually wants to stick with you — you’re dealing with a ghoster who came back because they’re lonely and couldn’t find someone elsewhere.
2. They Don’t Know What They Want
Most people out there don’t really know what they want.
They say one thing and act another, and this is bound to happen to you sooner or later when you’re exploring a new relationship with someone.
When you’re dealing with a person who doesn’t know what they want or looking for, they don’t take their own words or actions seriously.
They might plan for a date with you and then cancel last minute because they just don’t feel like it.
They might tell you that they’d like to move in with you in the future, but just never do. They also give you excuses when you hold them accountable for the decisions or plans they make.
People who don’t know what they want are very flakey and distracted; therefore, you can’t really rely on them or take them seriously, because again, they don’t take themselves seriously enough to consider something of substance for them.
When you’re dealing with such a person, it could happen that they ghost you all of a sudden because they were distracted by someone or something else, and then after a while, they realize that they haven’t really contacted you for a while.
Later on, they initiate contact with you as if nothing happened, because at this very moment, they want you again.
3. They Miss You
Ghosters who come back sometimes do so because they simply miss you.
You might have qualities that they haven’t had elsewhere before, and these qualities might have been so great that they couldn’t stop thinking about it.
They might have already made up their mind not to contact you, but then, later on, miss how you made them feel by just being you.
Unless that person found someone else who has the same qualities or better, they will always keep thinking of you and missing you until this desire of wanting you back forces them to contact you again.
That doesn’t mean that they are back with the intention of giving, sometimes they’re just back to receive from you and have your qualities in their lives.
4. They Miss How You Made Them Feel
But ghosters who come back don’t always miss you for you.
A lot of them don’t even care about you personally but care about what you were able to do for them.
Maybe you took them out on fancy dates and they miss that.
Maybe you helped them overcome difficult situations and they miss having you do that.
Maybe you shared a common interest that kept you nicely engaged and they lacked that after ghosting you.
Again, ghosters who come back for your utility aren’t even aware that they miss what you have to offer, not you per se.
5. You Have Something to Offer
People who get something out of you for their benefit will always continue doing so if you allow them.
Ghosters are no different.
It’s not always the case that ghosters even miss how you made them feel or do for them.
Sometimes they’re shameless and come back out of the blue because you have contacts that can help him with their business.
Or have tickets to a party you just showed on an IG story that you just got.
They are here to take what they want and then bounce.
6. They Don’t Want You to Move On
Ghosters can be so insecure about you that they can go out of their way if they see you just moving on with your life.
This reason ties in with them not being able to find other options that are better than you.
These people will ghost you, rationalize why they were right to do so, and then regret it when they fathom the idea of you enjoying your life without them.
It’s ridiculous, but this is what happens when people have big egos and small self-esteem. Narcissistic people tend to display such selfish behavior.
They don’t also want you for you, they just want to have authority over you.
Because by having influence over you, these ghosters feel better about their own selves when they come back and have you investing in them again.
Are they also back with the goal of investing in you and making you happy?
You just have to pay attention to their patterns of behavior and your history with them to tell.
7. They Need a Hook Up
A lot of ghosters come back for their own phyical pleasure.
They’re not back in your DMs to see how you’re doing or what is going on with your life. They’re not even interested in your life.
They just want you in bed for their own pleasure, and then ghost you again after getting what they want.
You can tell if a ghoster just wants you back so they can hook up by how quick they are to bring up intimacy or the idea of you meeting up at their or your place.
They might entertain small talk if they are smart and not desperate enough to look like they are using you, but they will avoid talking about why they disappeared and, instead, make a move on you so they can get what they want, hoping you don’t mind or just want the same.
8. They Need Some Attention
People will do a lot of weird things for attention, and coming back to a ghoster is definitely one of them.
A ghoster who hasn’t talked to you for a while can feel that they’re lacking in the attention department. They could feel like nobody really cares enough about what they’re doing that they start to recall all incidents when someone cared about them for once.
So they go through their contacts or old conversations on the phone, see yours there — remembering how much you cared about them and how often you asked about what they’re doing, and then hit you up with the “hey”.
Ghosters who seek attention will talk to you so you can simply do what you were supposed to do before the ghosting and give them attention.
They don’t really want to put any effort into reconciliation because they don’t even think they did something wrong.
They just want to fill their void egos externally by using your time and energy, until they feel that they’re “good” again.
And then, after that, you probably know what happens next.
9. They’re Just Curious
Ghosters who come back to talk to you quite often do it because they’re simply bored.
They stalk your IG or SC stories, see you having fun, and then just contact you out of the blue, out of sheer boredom.
That boredom doesn’t necessarily mean it’s an actual desire to want to really see you again but could mean that they’re momentarily interested in what you do until they’re not that bored anymore.
When such a case happens, it doesn’t mean anything significant — they’re just saying hi or commenting on something you did and then going about their day as if nothing happened.
Don’t overthink it — they’re just here for a distraction.
10. They Realized They Messed Up
Not all ghosters who come back are doing so for completely selfish reasons.
There will be that odd ghoster out there who will come back because they realize they made a huge error by ghosting you.
They know you’re great for them and that you being together would be beneficial and fun for you both, but unfortunately, they only realized that in your absence.
Now, you might see this reason and hope that is the case for your ghoster, but you have to understand that people who go so far as to ghost you and then come back willing to give you their best are very rare.
If they ghost for a very short period of time, they might have a good reason and they will be honest and apologetic about it.
But if they don’t show any regret or a good reason for not being there anymore, then you need to proceed with caution, not with your emotions.
11. They Had Major Issues
Ghosters come back after unintentionally ghosting you sometimes.
Maybe they had a major event that happen to them or someone they care about so they just didn’t have the capacity to focus on a brand new connection with you.
It could be that you’ve met just a few times and then they got sidetracked because of a surgery they had to go through or an accident their loved one has had.
These rare events do happen, and when they do and depending on your situation and how frequently you’ve seen them, they can be excusable.
Nobody can tell you how to react in this situation other than you, but you have to always remember ghosting doesn’t always happen because the person didn’t like you or lost interest in you.
12. They Forgive You & Came Back
We aren’t angels ourselves.
What if we pushed someone away because of our own actions or behavior?
What if we did something wrong or said something so bad that a person we’d like would end up ghosting us?
Even worse, what if we don’t even realize we’ve done something wrong?
If you weren’t aware of an action you might have taken and they weren’t the best at communicating so, then you’re dealing with a ghoster who left because they were upset or annoyed and then came back after forgiving you.
Or at least after having the desire to communicate with you.
13. They Are More Ready Now
Ghosters ghost you when they’re not ready for the kind of relationship you’ve asked for, and then come back when they think they’re able to give you what you want.
These ghosters also fall into the “not knowing what they want” category because they had no idea how to provide a connection for you the way it would make you happy, and then chose to come back thinking they have what it takes to make the relationship successful.
Normally people only truly change their mindsets and how they approach relationships when they really want that change for themselves, not waiting for someone else to be the catalyst of that change.
That doesn’t mean that a ghoster can not come back to redeem themselves and give you something that would make you fulfilled, but continuing the relationship with caution might be best for you in such a case.
Why Ghosters Don’t Come Back
1. They Found a Replacement
That’s one of the main reasons why ghosters just don’t come back.
They were into you for a while but then found someone else who caught their attention a little more.
Now, that doesn’t mean they’re better than you or even more compatible for the ghoster than you, but it means that, when the ghoster met someone else, they just got more invested in them than they were in you.
People are emotional beings and sometimes we make decisions that aren’t always necessarily right for us but made sense enough in a particular moment.
2. They Weren’t That Into You
As much as we’d like to hope that a ghoster made a mistake by ghosting us to soothe our own egos, sometimes the ghoster is just not that interested in or attracted to us enough to stick around.
Some ghosters never come back regardless of whether or not they have other options because they can’t invest in you the way you’d like them to.
This, again, doesn’t mean that you did something wrong. You’re not for everyone and not everyone is for you.
At this point, it’s our responsibility to not think with our egos and keep wanting someone regardless of what they truly want.
Sometimes it’s just best to wish a ghoster good luck, fully understand that they won’t come back for you, and then move on to experience life without them for good.
Without any hope that they’d come back.
Because if you think about it, why would you ever want someone who doesn’t want you that much to be with you?
You deserve a genuine desire from someone who truly wants to be with you and gets excited about having you.
3. There Was a Misunderstanding
When you’re having a relationship with another person, communication becomes the most important aspect that keeps you two together.
Once the communication is gone, it only becomes a matter of time before someone misinterprets a situation or misunderstand the intention of the person they’re with.
The issue with misunderstandings is that they’re more difficult to deal with in the earlier stages of a new bond unless both people in the relationship have a very direct and respectful way of communicating their needs and desires to each other.
If someone isn’t able to sit down and talk to you face to face about an issue they might have with you, then ghosting becomes a reasonable option for them, especially if they’re not that mature enough or have the courtesy of letting you know where they stand.
Ghosters with bad communication and an immature mind will ghost you and never come back because they’re simply too stubborn or lazy to do otherwise.
So if they leave because of their lack of responsibility and willingness to at least talk, would that be really bad for you?
Maybe it’s their loss.
4. Life Has Changed Drastically for Them
People travel, change careers, find new friends, stumble upon demanding new hobbies, and figure out new lifestyles at least once in their lifetime.
And when such drastic changes happen, it’s very possible that you might get left out — for a reason that isn’t even related to you.
Perhaps you’ve met them at work and then they found a new job elsewhere, so they just lost in touch with you.
Maybe you’ve found each other through mutual friends and then the other person fell out with them; therefore, they ghosted all of their friends and then you included.
When life creates new possibilities for either of you, the other might have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to stay the same and continue sharing the same experiences.
We must always be able to adapt to new circumstances and never be entitled to the presence of others.
5. They Can’t Forgive You & Choose to Move On
As we’ve said earlier, if you’re the reason why they’ve ghosted you and never came back, then there’s not much you can do.
A lot of people blame the ghoster for ghosting when they have made errors that were deemed unacceptable to the ghoster, and then wonder why they’re not talking.
If you know you’ve done something wrong and would really want them back, then stubbornness might not be the answer here.
If you want them back knowing you were in the wrong, then you might have to put your ego aside and do the right thing by apologizing to them, and then see where it goes from there.
6. They Are Playing the Waiting Game
Ghosters who want more investments and attention from you will play the waiting game and not get back to you, even if they miss and want you.
You might have been together for a while but somehow didn’t give them what you want.
Or they might have communicated that and you still didn’t listen for whatever reason, and then after realizing they aren’t getting what they hoped for, they just ghosted you and never come back, hoping you decide to talk to them again.
This reason for ghosting is immature and petty. It’s an ultimatum where it forces you to give away your power in your relationship to the other person by giving up what you want and replacing it with what they want.
The waiting game is a fun game to play when you’re in high school, but when you’re looking to have maturity in your dynamic, this is a silly game to play and only invites more problems and misunderstandings down the road.
Why You Even Want a Ghoster Back
Most people fail to realize this, but when you’re obsessing over a ghoster, your ego is always heavily involved in how you see them or how you want to react to them ghosting you.
When you lose something, your ego plays these little emotional tricks on you.
It makes you think that whoever you lost is a bigger deal than they are.
Because that person who has ghosted you left without explanations, and you being unsatisfied with the conclusion, keep thinking about it and about them over and over again.
This endless cycle of thinking of them is actually getting you to invest in them even more, believe it or not.
By simply thinking of them, you give them more power over you.
By giving them more power, you start making a bigger deal out of your loss and the connection you had.
You start to forget about their flaws and hype up their better characteristics.
If you don’t see them for a while, you even start thinking that they’re more attractive than they actually are.
It’s all in your head, thanks to the ego just not being satisfied with your unanswered ending.
And this is why we tend to want ghosters more when they don’t come back — we overthink our experience with them and therefore overvalue our interactions with them.
Again, it’s all in your head.
So this whole thing wasn’t as good as it actually was.
Why You Shouldn’t Respond to Ghosters Who Come Back
Now, nobody is going to tell you what you need to do when you’re dealing with ghosters who hit you up out of the blue, but I’m here to help you think logically about your situation instead of just following your emotions and possibly end up making another mistake.
The reason why you shouldn’t deal with a ghoster, unless they’ve explained themselves and gave you a good reason to ghost you, is because if you respond to them and give them the attention they’re looking for, you let them know you can get away with their BS.
People treat us as badly as we allow them to — that’s a universal rule that applies to everyone, you and I included.
Some will have more for themselves and for others naturally of course, but generally, your standards and boundaries dictate how you’ll be treated.
So if you let someone know that it’s okay to ghost you just because you really like them enough to take them back right away, you also let them know that what they want is more important than how they should deal with you.
If ghosters disappear knowing they can come back whenever they liked, they have no reason not to do it again.
If they ghosted you because they were exploring a new option and then came back when it didn’t work out, then guess what?
You’re the backup. A second choice to them. They’ll stay with you until they find another option, again.
Even if ghosters do come back with a very good excuse, they still need to learn that this isn’t what you normally allow and that they have to work a little harder for things to get back to where they are before they ghosted you.
How to Deal with a Ghoster
How you go about dealing with a ghoster depends on why they’ve ghosted you in the first place.
Sometimes it’s quite clear that they moved on with someone else when they started posting pictures of them online, then the best response is just no response.
Think about it: why would you waste energy even replying to their lazy “hey”?
If they made a choice and you can clearly see that choice knowing they ghosted you for someone or something else, then why invest in them further by giving any attention back?
But if you don’t know why they’ve ghosted you and came back, then you can respond just to see what they have to say.
Only if you really see a point in doing so.
You can keep it short and expect them to come right away with an explanation — you can even keep your response as short as a simple “?”
This response is enough to acknowledge that they’ve contacted you but find it strange that they did so.
By keeping it very short, you let them know you’re not there to just be friendly and overly nice to them — you’re responding only for an explanation and an apology.
But if they don’t give you an explanation, then most likely they just want to act as if nothing happened.
And if they think nothing happened, then fine.
Nothing also should happen next. Ever.
No Matter What, Don’t Settle
You deserve to get exactly the treatment you want, not the person you think you want.
If someone is able to dispose of all of the experiences you’ve had together and leave without explanation, then they don’t want you enough.
If you don’t settle, you eventually make room for exactly the kind of treatment you want.
If you do settle, you get the person you think you want at the expense of your peace of mind and self-respect.
Always make decisions based on whether someone is consistently good for you — arguments and differences are normal parts of life, but nobody should ghost you and come back to only do it again like it’s a sport.
Before you make any decisions, do your best to put your emotions and ego aside and think logically about what’s best for you and the behavior you’re dealing with.
