Give them a challenge 😉
This little piece of text comes from a conversation with one of my clients. My clients definitely inspire me to write about practical psychology and strategies that are applicable in life.
Conversation №1. (two weeks ago)
Client: “It was clear that he was trying to court me. He wouldn’t stop talking, pulled out my chair for me, chose an expensive wine, and pretended to be knowledgeable about it. Honestly, he’s the best candidate so far.”
“So why don’t you give it a try with him?”
“He’s too old for me.”
“Wait, isn’t he your age? I thought you said something like that.”
“He is. But to me, that’s too old for what I want.”
“Okay. So what are you going to tell him? I mean, how will you end it?”
“I’ve already told him! I told him he’s too old for me,” she laughed amusedly.
“Wow!” I said. “And how did he react?”
“He was offended. He said, ‘Well, you’re no spring chicken yourself. You’ve really hurt my feelings now.’”
“Hm, well, you did. Maybe next time, you could be more subtle with people.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I laughed, and everything was ok. And I told him not to be mad, that we could still be friends.”
Conversation №2. (last week)
Same client: “That guy. The old one,” she said, ignoring the irony of what she was saying. “He won’t stop pestering me.”
“Wow!” I said, genuinely shocked. “And what’s he saying?”
“He says he wants to prove that he’s not too old for me and that we can have a great time together. And there you go. I’ll let him entertain me.”
Thanks to the ego—human nature is so simple sometimes.
You just need to offend the ego, and a group of people (a large group of people) will do everything just to prove that you were wrong.
The gentleman mentioned above didn’t rationally sit down and think: Wait, this person just insulted me. I don’t want to deal with her anymore.
No. He thought that for a whole two minutes… okay, it lasted about 15 minutes, and after that, the good old ego kicked in, hearing only: Someone is telling you that you’re not good enough. Go, prove them wrong!
And amazingly (though it’s been seen so many times that it shouldn’t surprise us), the ego starts conjuring up all possible options, tricks, and combinations—just to prove it is good enough. That we are good enough.
There’s no critical thinking behind this. So, there’s no thought like: Wait, I’m trying to prove myself to someone who just said something. Am I crazy?
If there were, they’d realize how pointless it is to prove yourself to someone who:
- Has specific dating criteria that they can’t meet.
- Would spend loads of energy and time trying to win over someone when that same time and energy could be spent on someone who already likes them and whose criteria they meet.
But this is a different topic, and this is intended for you if you ever find yourself on the other side (to have someone challenge you in this way—hurt your ego/offend you).
Now an important addition:
- The insult might have taken hold if not for those two accompanying factors: My client laughed + she offered friendship.
- The insult was practically wrapped in something more palatable (because the laughter made it less harsh), and space was left for something (let’s be friends. You’re not entirely repulsive to me).
During that period, while they are proving themselves to you, the person will invest a lot of time and energy into you, which means you will become valuable.
What we invest in becomes valuable to us.
That’s why it will be much harder for them to leave you later. So, feel free to stretch this momentum of them proving themselves to you—let them invest as much time and energy as possible.
In that time, you can prove yourself as an exceptional person. People often miss this window of opportunity to show who they are and how amazing they can be because their partners give up on them too soon.
Also, whenever you feel insecure in a relationship, you can use this. Give them a new challenge whenever you think your partner might leave you or isn’t showing enough affection.
The story’s moral:
- If you want someone in your life, if you want that person to want you or even become obsessed with you—insult them little.
- Give their ego a task that sounds like Someone thinks you’re not good enough.
- Don’t be too harsh or off-putting with it.
- Leave room for something more to happen. And people will endlessly try to prove they’re good enough for you.
Critical thinking is out the window, “and emotional behavior” is welcome.
Now, who they’re proving themselves to is another question, but this is an excellent way to keep someone close to you.
If you don’t believe me, think of all the people who chased after those who didn’t want them (partners, friends, family members, business partners, cool people).
Because don’t forget:
Aside from emotional pain, which is very tough, the worst pain a person can experience is an ego wound. Hurt someone’s ego, and there’s a big chance you’ll gain a follower, a seducer, a worshipper who will expect you to heal it.
📌 This is part of the answer to why we can’t have the partners we want right away. It’s because the ego doesn’t need to prove itself, and we don’t get a chance with them—but that’s for another text.
Dee.
And write to me in the comments: does this fall under dark psychology? 😈
