You thought everything was going extremely well with this person you’ve been dating for a while…
But at one point things started heading south and you were never sure why.
You went from texting every day to having your text responded to every once in a while to almost no responses at all.
You had a lot of wonderful dates when you couldn’t stop talking or flirting but then things started changing slowly to dates with more silence and distance between you…
This confused you and made you wonder if you have done something wrong.
So you did what any normal person who is invested in their connection would do — you asked them if there indeed was something wrong.
They typically didn’t directly answer right away or maybe have even pretended that there was no issue at all…
You started to worry even more; you thought things were going really well but all of a sudden you’re left in the dark with no explanation or direction on how to handle things next.
Then one day they finally decide to talk to you.
You thought you’d get some clarity after all of this cold and silent treatment for no reason.
But nope.
All they said was, “I don’t deserve you.”
And it confused you.
You were never sure what that really meant, and it bothered you that instead of getting answers, they gave you more questions and doubt to deal with.
That’s why you’re here.
Being told “I don’t deserve you” or “it’s not you, it’s me” or “you deserve someone else better than me” is one of those common baffling and frustrating relationship lines you’ll hear at least once in your lifetime.
Here’s the thing:
They’re not going to tell you the truth.
You need to figure it out without them. They just want out and won’t bother.
So if this is a situation similar to you, then you need to keep reading to understand what “I don’t deserve you” really means and how you’re supposed to deal with it without seeming desperate.
What’s the Real Meaning Behind Saying “I Don’t Deserve You”
The answer depends on the context and timing, but there are two general cases why someone would have the talk with you and say that:
First Meaning: They Don’t Feel It & Want to Quit
When someone you are or were with sits you down and calmly says, “I don’t deserve you” or “you’re too good for me” out of the blue, then consider this as an indirect admission of guilt.
What they’re really telling you is that they’re unable to give you the affection, time, and care that they should be giving.
This normally happens when you’re not on the same level as your partner in terms of emotional investment.
When you’re giving them your all but they can’t or won’t do the same, they eventually recognize a major difference in effort between you — they notice that the dedication from both of you to the relationship is not even close to being the same…
And that makes them feel guilty.
They say they don’t deserve you because they’re uncomfortable with the possibility of them stringing you along.
So you’re most likely dealing with someone who believes you love them way more than they love you.
And this imbalance is making them reconsider being in a relationship with you.
The more you show them love, the more guilty they feel.
Once they feel that they can’t deal with the guilt anymore, they consider quitting.
Because your actions of love keep reminding them that they’re unable to give back.
Second Meaning: Someone Else Is In the Picture
You might not want to know this, but it’s quite common for people to say “I don’t deserve you” when they have caught feelings for someone else.
If they like someone else more than they like you, then it only makes sense for them to feel guilty about it.
They might think it shouldn’t have happened.
Or maybe they believe they deserve what they have with someone else but find it uncomfortable dealing with you.
Now, you might ask how do you know if there was someone else involved?
Well, you’ll never 100% be sure unless you have seen a lot of irregular behavior on their part.
If you’ve seen some shady actions and vague conversations that weren’t there before, then chances are they’re up to something.
And you’re not involved.
Your first thought in this situation might be figuring out and investing more time and effort into knowing what they’re really up to.
But if you ask me, I say it doesn’t really matter.
If someone wants out of a connection with you, is them being or not being with someone else going to change their desire to be in a relationship with you?
Of course, your ego will not accept that you’d be replaced anytime soon.
However, you must make your future decisions objectively and look out for yourself.
Whether or not you find that there’s someone else in the picture — if they had doubts about you, then it’s already over.
You might think that doing some detective work can help you put your mind at ease — to find clear evidence and thus closure.
But if they’re not investing in you, then they’re simply not investing in you.
And them telling you they don’t deserve you is just their “nice” way of rejecting you and stopping you from taking them seriously.
How Do You Respond When They Say “I Don’t Deserve You”
The worst thing you can do in this situation is to react emotionally.
Obviously, this may be a bit difficult to navigate as you have probably already emotionally invested a lot in the relationship.
But you must understand that when someone is already guilty thinking that you care about them way more than they care about you, then you showing anger, shock, or sadness will only make them feel worse about themselves and push them further away from you.
It would validate the fear they’ve already had.
And you don’t want to apply more pressure on them to make them feel that they are trapped with you.
You don’t want it to seem like it’s the end of the world if they won’t keep dating you.
What you need to do at that point is carry yourself with dignity and understand that you’re already heading towards the end of the relationship.
Any effort you put into “fixing” the connection will confirm the fear or guilt they’re carrying.
It’s because you have done too much is why they’re having doubts.
If there was any chance to fix this, which is very unlikely, it’s not something you have to even think about.
When someone thinks you’ve out-invested them, then the first thing you must do is not to react.
You must hold still and sit back.
You must recognize that since there’s a difference in how you see the relationship, getting them to see your perspective or reasoning will not change anything.
Only they are the ones who can change the way they see the connection.
And what is done is done — you can’t get anything back at that point.
If you truly understand that there’s no point in trying to talk them into staying or even believing the connection is good for them, you will be able to hold yourself from overreacting or pursuing further.
All you should do is smile, listen to them just so you can read between the lines and have an idea where you messed up by overpursuing, and then recalibrate your efforts in the next relationship.
If you listen to them and realize they’re telling you this to end the relationship, let them know you understand and that it’s not a big deal.
Be nonchalant about it.
Give yourself and them no reason to think being with them is the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Because if you found someone before, you will always find someone better later.
The more chill you are towards them, the more respect you actually get back.
Your nonreaction can even make them question their own decision and realize you actually didn’t care as much as they thought.
Besides, you really don’t want to look back on the last argument you’ve had when you were too angry or desperate to change the situation.
What to Do After They Say “I Don’t Deserve You”
1. Smile & Wave
When someone gives you the “it’s not you, it’s me” or “you deserve someone better” pity talk, then you need to end this interaction nicely and quickly as possible.
You need to recognize that it’s over. Your sticking around will only force this fake interaction to keep going further.
All you need to understand is that they don’t want to be there, so make it quick and short without seeming hurt about it.
Just smile, say that you understand, and wave them goodbye.
Don’t argue, don’t ask if they’ve met someone else, and definitely don’t make it seem like you lost the most important person ever.
Smile and wave.
2. Go No Contact
Once you’ve had the talk, you’ll naturally have millions of questions to ask.
You’ll get confused, feel that it’s unfair, question yourself, or start to look back on your connection carefully to figure out where it went all wrong.
That’s perfectly fine.
But no matter what, don’t contact them.
The reason why you go no contact in such situations is that ANY attempt at talking to them will make it seem like you either want them back or want to show them how much you’re hurt.
Both behaviors are unattractive and offputting.
Going No Contact will be your best bet to salvage what’s left.
And that’s your self-respect.
3. Understand Where You Stand
Once you’ve established your No Contact rules, you can figure out what went wrong by yourself.
Have you invested far more than them?
Were they even putting any effort into the relationship?
Have you acted too needy while being with them?
Have you tried to make the relationship more official too soon?
Or maybe you didn’t set clear boundaries for the relationship and it deteriorated as a result.
To know why they used the “I don’t deserve you” excuse to leave, you just need to ask yourself the right questions to find the right answers.
That’s also why you don’t ask them to explain or “give you closure”.
There’s a chance they don’t know the reason behind how they feel about you — it’s just that they don’t have the desire to be with you.
And that’s all the closure you need to move on from someone.
4. Introspect to Know What Went Wrong
We might not like hearing this now, but we will always make mistakes to have better relationships.
Every attempt at a good connection you have is going to teach you how to recalibrate your approaches to create a connection with someone you see yourself with.
But that’s if you’re smart and humble enough to admit your mistakes.
Because most people out there aren’t ready to look in the mirror and acknowledge that they’ve messed up.
Most don’t want to admit that they have overinvested as doing so will force them to look deep into themselves and understand why they overpursue.
This means understanding where the need for validation that makes them try so hard to push in a relationship comes from.
It means dealing with your insecurities and flaws — to understand that the fear of being alone or the fear of loss makes you pursue more than you should.
If you were able to know why you made your mistake, then you would easily avoid making the same mistake again.
But if you let your ego get in the way of admitting your mistakes…
Then you will make the same exact mistake and then wonder why things didn’t work out the same way, over and over again.
Nobody will ever sit you down and tell you why your approach doesn’t work.
Most will just feel that it’s not working, tell you, “I don’t deserve you,” and then bounce.
It’s your job to figure out why your relationship works or doesn’t work.
It’s also your responsibility to make sure whoever you’re dealing with earns the affection and care you’re able to give.
If they feel like they haven’t earned your love and you keep giving and giving, then unless they’re absolutely evil, they will feel uncomfortable and guilty for getting a lot of attention they haven’t worked for.
People only value the things that they have earned, not given to them.
Don’t Doubt Yourself
After having “the talk”, going No Contact, and taking the time to introspect and learn what went wrong, it’s very normal to regret investing in someone deeply and start doubting yourself.
If this is your case, then here’s what you need to know:
Just because you haven’t gotten what you want from someone or made the mistake of giving them what they haven’t earned yet, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you.
It also means you haven’t addressed your relationship correctly — you might have mishandled a relationship, but that doesn’t mean you were wrong for showing someone a lot of love.
In fact, you should not let anyone make you doubt your ability to show care and support.
Nobody is that important to make you question your ability to provide and show up as a partner.
You must still show love and attention to someone you appreciate, but you must also only do so for those you will do the same for you, in their own way.
