There is no successful marriage without intimacy.
If you’re with your wife but not really with your wife, it’s understandable to be frustrated and unhappy with how things are going.
Because nobody wants to be with someone who makes them feel like they’re unfulfilled or not enough.
The deep and consistent desire is what prevents marriages from having too many problems to deal with.
The lustful experiences built over time are what make your bond irreplaceable and hard to leave.
Intimacy is the glue that holds any relationship.
If the glue isn’t there, the foundation of your connection becomes shaky.
And if case this is a situation you’re going through, then you need to understand all the possible reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy and then how to handle those reasons like a man who knows what he’s doing.
Why Your Wife Never Initiates Intimacy
1. You’ve Stopped Dating
Relationships die when you stop acting like you’re in a relationship.
And I’m not talking about relationship commitment and obligations.
You don’t need to be in a relationship to look for commitment and tasks you need to do on a regular basis.
You need to be dating.
Think about it…
Remember when you first met your wife?
Remember the excitement?
The nervousness of not knowing what would happen after you met?
Once you had her after this buildup of getting to know each other, the connection meant something to you.
You invested in regularly meeting your wife before, so when you finally “had” her, it seemed like you’ve finally won.
That exact buildup is what makes relationships work. That buildup is called dating.
But most people think dating is just an initial stage to getting to know one another.
They completely leave out the dynamic that created the relationship in the first place — when you’ve gone out together, tried new things, and connected.
A lot of guys just don’t get it; they think “after dating” they have to move on to something different now like “settling down”, instead of sticking with the basics that got them the woman in the first place.
And that’s why they are stuck in a dead relationship.
You have to continue dating if you want the connection to stay exciting.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how familiar you are with her.
Dating keeps relationships alive.
The act of dressing up, going to a nice restaurant together, and just enjoying each other’s company will keep any thirty-year-old connection going strong.
If you’re just sitting in front of your wife after work all day with nothing fun to share, then you can’t expect her to initiate intimacy with you.
How is she going to get excited about you if you’re always there doing the exact same things at the exact same time — things that lack any emotional stimulation?
Your wife never initiates intimacy because she’s not in an emotional or mental state for intimacy.
If you’re not creating that state by simply dating her, a dynamic that has proven to work for you before, then why are you expecting anything to change?
Never blame your wife for how things changed, she was only following your lead.
2. You’ve Lost Yourself in the Relationship
People say your partner should love you just the way you are.
But that’s terrible advice.
In reality, we only love and invest in those we see valuable.
If your wife never initiates intimacy, it’s probably because you’re not being attractive to her anymore.
This might be a harsh thing to say, but attraction is obviously the main reason why intimacy takes place.
You can’t ask her to want to sleep with you just because you pay the bills and have good intentions.
Even if she says that’s all you need to do for her — doing your job doesn’t make her wet.
Your wife needs to look at you, your attitude, and how you carry yourself, then think, “I want to bang my husband ASAP.”
If you’re not getting that intense energy every once in a while, then it’s because you’ve lost something as she got too familiar with you.
Maybe you were in shape and were more confident because of that, which was reflected in your relationship.
Perhaps you had a sense of style or just a flair in your attitude that caused a spark for her, and then as the days went by you got too complacent and just “settled down.”
After years of being with someone, men make the mistake of letting themselves go in many aspects of their life and then wonder why their wives don’t initiate intimacy anymore.
Your drive, ambition, attitude, energy, self-love, etc.
She can’t look at you the same way if you lost what made you… you.
3. You’re Following Her Lead
Women are attracted to men who know what they want and act accordingly.
And men who know what they want simply go after it.
They take control and build towards their goal.
They don’t sit and wait for things to fall on their laps and they definitely don’t let someone determine how their relationship should be.
If you’ve been letting her take control of the relationship, then you can’t be mad if she doesn’t find you attractive.
Look at the happiest women in relationships around you.
They’ll also be some of the most feminine women you know.
That’s not a coincidence.
The reason why they’re extremely happy in their relationship is that they are with masculine men who know what they want and act accordingly.
They are with men who have a direction for the relationship.
When a man consistently provides value for his wife through his leadership, she will trust the process enough to keep investing in their fulfilling connection.
And whenever someone’s investing, they get more attached to what they invest in.
If you are able to lead your woman and make her feel safe and happier doing so, then the attraction problem fixes itself.
But if you’re content with her running the show, then she will subconsciously see you as incompetent and unattractive.
She’ll see you as a son that she needs to take care of, and that stops her from being the feminine woman that she’d love to be.
4. You’re Too Available
You can’t miss someone if you’re always sitting next to them.
If she never misses you, she won’t get excited about being with you.
If she doesn’t get excited about seeing you, then she’ll never initiate intimacy.
Since you’re her husband, you can’t just disappear on her just to make it “exciting” obviously.
But you need to put as much space as reasonably possible between you and her so you’re not always available for her.
If you have a place where you can work without her having easy access to you, that should work.
If you train regularly or have an activity that you’d like to share with others, that adds intrigue.
Having a circle that your wife isn’t part of makes you interesting to be with.
She can’t ask you about your day if you’re in the same room 24/7, but she can if you enjoy doing things that make you happy that don’t include her.
Intrigue creates tension and tension escalates to intimacy.
Even if she complains about you not being by her side all day, you should still go about doing what you find purposeful, she’ll appreciate you doing what’s best for you and eventually respect it.
5. You’re Not Having Fun Alone
If you’re the type of person who can’t enjoy being alone, then your company won’t be appreciated.
Women generally like to be with men who know how to have fun and don’t need others to do so.
A man who doesn’t know how to be alone and enjoy the process will always rely on others to make their time worthwhile.
And others will sense that lonely energy — it will feel needy and clingy.
Your wife doesn’t want to shoulder the responsibility of making you feel happy as an individual; that’s your job.
She should contribute to your happiness as should you to hers, but she shouldn’t be responsible for making you enjoy your time.
Once you’ve managed to find your own happiness, only then will your wife genuinely want to be part of it.
If you’re building an interesting life for yourself and then your relationship to be part of it, then you create an environment where attraction can build up.
She’ll never initiate intimacy if you’re unhappy with your life and need her presence to satisfy you.
Make sure you’re having all your needs met first, and then build towards including that relationship in a healthy setting and fun environment for attraction to take place.
Have hobbies that keep you engaged and a career that keeps you fulfilled.
6. You Don’t Have Strong Boundaries
I’ve said a hundred times and I’ll say it again: respect is a requirement for attraction.
Guys who are miserable in their marriages are usually walked all over and have no sense of boundaries.
A man who is incapable of enforcing rules on how he should be treated will always end up with a wife who never initiates intimacy, at best.
Women look up to men they respect, that’s when they can also want them.
But no woman wants to be with a man she looks down on because he doesn’t demand respect for himself.
If your wife is constantly criticizing you, then she’s disrespecting you.
If your wife raises her voice or berates you, especially publically, then she definitely doesn’t look up to you.
If you have to deal with a lot of eye-rolling, poor attitude, and childish behavior, then you’re not in a position to be sleeping with her.
In fact, you should forget intimacy completely until you have a healthy connection sorted out first.
You have to be in a relationship where your boundaries are well communicated and understood.
Only when you’re being treated like you should is when you consider sleeping with her a possibility.
Why would you ever want to enjoy an intimate connection with someone who doesn’t see you as a man worthy of respect anyway?
And don’t get me wrong, that’s not her fault.
Her disrespecting you the first time is her fault, sure.
But you accepting it and carrying on with the relationship is your bigger fault.
People will only treat you as badly as you allow them to.
Once anyone knows they can disrespect you and get away with it, then every bad behavior that comes after is on you.
Take the time to change how the relationship dynamic is set or let go of it completely if she can’t accept your boundaries.
7. You’re Not Maintaining High Standards
Standards are crucial to maintaining attraction in marriages.
If you have little to no standards, then there will be nothing for her to look forward to.
There would be nothing to work for.
And working towards something is what makes us invest as human beings.
The more we work for our connections, the more we respect and cherish them.
If she’s not working towards pleasing you, then the relationship doesn’t have pleasure and intimacy as a goal.
Because there were no standards to push the relationship into becoming better.
You either move forward or gradually lose what you have. There is no stagnation in attraction.
If you can’t define a direction and goals for the relationship, then you’re living with a roommate who used to sleep with you before.
You need to grow together to enjoy being together.
But you can’t set standards for her if you’re not setting bigger ones for you.
Are you being the man you want to be outside the relationship?
Because if you’re constantly developing as a man, you’ll be in a room to guide your woman to growth as well.
If you’re just there, then she can’t listen to you or respect your leadership.
8. You’re Not Telling Her What You Want
Men in long and unhappy relationships are usually timid.
They don’t ask for what they desire in their relationships because they are afraid.
And then wonder why their wives aren’t fulfilling these desires.
The thing is your wife can’t read your mind.
If you haven’t made it clear what you want in a relationship, then it’s only your fault if you don’t get it.
That’s why men who aren’t satisfied with their wives in bed display a lot of passive-aggressive behaviors that don’t help in fixing their intimacy problems.
Your wife never initiates intimacy because you don’t ask for it.
If you’re expecting her to initiate something that you’re supposed to do, then you’re expecting her to lead.
Most women just don’t feel attracted and in the mood for some fun unless they are desired.
If she’s consistently being desired by you and you’re consistently stimulating her mind and emotion, only then will she lust after you.
But you have to communicate what you want to get what you want, and in a manner that she can understand and accept.
Don’t just give her orders when she is occupied or not in a state to listen, be a mature and sensible man about it.
9. You’re Doing the Same Things in Bed
This might be obvious, but boredom is a reason why your wife never initiates intimacy.
If you’re doing the same things all the time, you can’t expect her to look forward to that same exact routine.
It’s understandable if you have been already together for a while, but it’s your job as a masculine leader to spice things up.
Don’t just sit there and hope her mood changes. Change her mood playfully and experiment.
You don’t have to go overboard with experimenting either, but you should always be exploring the intimate relationship you have with her.
When was the last time you talked about trying different positions?
When was the last time there was any intense foreplay with toys being used?
Have you tried having some fun in secluded areas just for the fun of it?
We just simply stop doing most of the enjoyable things we used to do at the beginning of relationships and then wonder why we aren’t getting the same excitement.
As you spend more time together, the mysteriousness will fade, but the experimentation options are endless, so why stick to the old routines?
A wife initiates intimacy when she’s excited to do so, and that excitement should be introduced first by her man.
10. You’re Trying to Fix a Dead Relationship
Not every marriage can be fixed.
No matter how great the chemistry and love were when it all started, at a certain point, you can be a little too late.
When is too late?
That depends on your connection, how things started, and how things are at this very moment.
If she has just recently been starting to display negative behavior and you’re not sleeping with one another, then you probably can turn things around.
But if you’ve been dealing with a lot of disrespect for a long period of time, then just changing the dynamics to you being the leader who demands respect might not always be feasible.
Sometimes starting with a fresh new relationship after learning from your mistakes is the answer.
Only you could tell if it’s already over for you to have the healthy relationship you want with a wife who initiates intimacy and looks up to you.
Sometimes when certain heated arguments have just been introduced, communication and leadership from you can fix the foundation of your connection.
But other times, it’s just too hard and too late.
Learn to stop investing when you realize you’re trying to revive a marriage that is dead.
If you can’t change the marriage, then consider planning an exit strategy in the safest way possible.
How to Fix Your Relationship
1. Hold Yourself Accountable
There’s freedom and power to be had when you claim responsibility for everything that happens in your relationship.
When you hold yourself accountable for how your marriage has been playing out, you adopt a completely different mindset as a man.
You start to lose the victim mentality — you stop being the guy whose unsatisfactory relationship happened to him.
You become the man who takes control of his situation, figures out how to improve it, or leaves when the situation just won’t serve him at all.
If you only understood that your wife never initiates intimacy because you weren’t leading correctly, then you’ll accept your mistakes and try to stop them from affecting you and your wife even further.
If you look at her as a negative influence in your life, then you’d be blaming the wrong person.
Remember, she never changed, she was only following your lead.
She always acted based on your mindset, attitude, and standards.
Whether you had those in order or didn’t is irrelevant, she still followed you anyway.
What you see from her is the result of what you’re doing for her.
Claim responsibility to claim more authority.
2. Transform into a Leader, Not a Boss
The biggest mistake men make when they’re inspired to transform their relationship is going from being led to trying to force their leadership on their wives all of a sudden.
Great leadership can’t just exist out of nowhere.
You’re not trying to be her forceful boss, you’re trying to give her reasons to accept your leadership without you asking for it.
To become a leader, you need to act like one, not demand to be perceived as one.
That doesn’t mean barking orders or enforcing random rules all of a sudden.
But it means you need to be providing value first to position yourself as a man of value.
You need to manifest the leadership qualities in you first so people around you can see them for themselves and then respect you accordingly.
The key to this transformation, however, isn’t doing this for her.
If you’re trying to convince her that you’re an awesome man, then you’ve already lost.
You should aim for progress because that’s who you want to be.
Whether the relationship continues or not should be irrelevant.
Once you are taken care of, then the healthy dynamics should fall into place.
If your marriage still doesn’t work, then you’ve already improved yourself anyway for the next better relationship you will have later.
3. Communicate Like a Man
A man who knows how to get what he wants understands how to communicate what he also wishes to see intelligently.
In a world full of boys who are scared of telling women what they think, be the man who doesn’t leave room for BS to stop him from following his desires.
But this is easier said than done.
Most guys have no clue how to communicate.
They either shy away from saying what they want thinking it will raise tension or they bark orders thinking it’s how a man should act.
The key to getting what you want with your words is understanding how to bridge the gap between what you want and what you’re dealing with right now.
Sometimes you need to state what you think without worrying about consequences.
That should be the case on matters that are very important to you.
Other times you need to build up the truth in a way that your wife can digest it.
And sometimes there’s nothing to communicate because you might have unknowingly let things fall apart for too long that no number of conversations is going to convince your wife to give you what you want.
In any case, you need to be building up your own value and life outside of her so she can see you as a man she can even listen to.
You then need a degree of finesse to communicate what you want if you haven’t done so, every once in a while.
As time passes by you should smoothen your transitions from finessing to clearly communicating what you want the more she does what you ask her to do.
Remember this: she will only listen to you if you provide so much value that she believes it’s in her best interest to listen to you.
That making you happy makes her happy.
4. Know When It’s Time to Leave
If your wife never initiates intimacy despite all the successful drastic changes she’s making, then it’s time to pull the plug.
Not every relationship is meant to serve you.
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to endure dissatisfaction and waste the rest of your life trying to live with someone who has no desire for you.
Both of you deserve to have happy partners who are willing to make each other even happier, and if it’s not your case, then it’s unfair for both of you to continue pretending you want each other.
Only you will be able to tell when is it time to stop trying.
Only you could look at what you both have been offering and what can or cannot get fixed.
Stay True to Yourself
The most important thing you can do for your marriage is to stay true to yourself and what you want.
If you’re dissatisfied with your wife, then you have to do something about it.
Waiting for things to magically change isn’t going to happen.
You’re the only one who can bridge the gap between your current situation and how your marriage should be.
Start with yourself first.
Be the change to see it later elsewhere.
It’s not about your marriage or your wife, it’s all about you.
