Self-Respect In A Relationship: How To Gain It

If you’ve lost self-respect in a relationship, this is the right article for you. We’ll explore how to regain it in depth because, nothing simple or superficial will get the job done.

This won’t be a light article because there’s nothing light about losing self-respect. But you’ll understand how you lost it, how to get it back, and how to maintain it in your relationship.

How You Lost Your Self-Respect in a Relationship

The basic premise here is that it’s about that person who means enough to you that you lost your self-respect because of them, but also about your psychological makeup and how it happened.

Instance No. 1:

This Person Is Very Important to You

Attraction usually starts with the obvious things a person offers (status, beauty, education, height, finances, etc.). Then comes that person’s character, followed by our certain inner factors that only we understand.

I need to be completely clear about this because you’ll need it to understand the rest of the text. The criteria for satisfaction are:

1. That they externally meet what we desire (attractive enough, successful, fun, etc.)
2. Their character is what we like (cooperative or uncooperative, rough or gentle, etc.)
3. They have traits that align with our deep internal emotional-psychological needs. They remind us of someone… a father or mother, they treat us the way someone else treats us, etc.

The third criterion can often outweigh the other two, and ironically, you need to be made aware of these third criteria, and you can’t explain them to yourself or others. They’re connected to our unconscious and subconscious.

Now, the problem is that very few people will meet all our criteria. There aren’t 500 of them; there are just a few.

And then, when we meet such a person, we find it easier or harder to let them go, depending on what they bring into our lives.

If they bring things from the first group, we let them go more efficiently, while we find it most challenging to let go of people who satisfy our subconscious and unconscious desires.

Also, depending on the importance of what the person brings, we adapt to them. If what we get from them is important to us, we will adapt. If it’s less important, we won’t.

So, if someone brings essential things into your life, you will adapt to their demands. And, if this means that somewhere along the way we lose our self-respect, so be it.

As I mentioned, even though at first it seems that the most important things come from the first or second group, the most important things come from the third group. From this section, you should understand how you came to lose your self-respect in the relationship.

It happens because that person becomes extremely valuable to you.

Instance No. 2:

You Don’t Value Yourself

I don’t know how you were raised, but some people lose their self-respect more quickly than others.

People who are assured that they are valuable will obviously maintain their self-respect better and longer. In fact, such people won’t even allow themselves to associate with those who don’t respect them.

On the other hand, people who are convinced that they aren’t valuable will behave accordingly. Naturally, they will also allow people who don’t respect them to enter their lives.

If you grew up in an environment where you were assured that you were not valuable, it might be a good idea to read this text: Big Talk With Ourselves About Our Parents

📌 I’m not saying that everything depends on and originates from your parents (if they treated you poorly, you won’t have self-respect). They are a huge factor, but we often do a bad or good job with ourselves, or the environment influences us.

You can read more about other influences in these two articles: An Important Conversation You Need to Have with Yourself and The Impact of Toxic Friendships on Our Self-Love

📌 There’s always a chance that everyone around you treated you well, which is exactly why you might be gullible and unprepared for bad people who are out to undermine your self-respect.

The fact and the conclusion are that your openness to being disrespected towards you came from somewhere. Like a crack in the wall through which water begins to leak gradually until the wall collapses and the room floods.

Do You Know How to Boil a Frog?

They say a frog is boiled by slowly increasing the water’s temperature. If you drop a frog into hot water, it will jump out. But if you leave it in and slowly raise the temperature, it won’t even notice that it’s being boiled (inhumane, but an old metaphor for what people do to us).

People test us, and it’s part of human nature. We all live and function within hierarchies, and because of that, we constantly test others to see who they are about us—whether they are above us or below us. If people allow themselves to be controlled, we’ll consider them to have no self-respect or dignity. We’ll see them as dignified if they don’t let it.

This has nothing to do with malice but a natural instinct that requires us to find our place in social circles.

This brings us back to the frogs. Fewer people will test you suddenly (by insulting you with something and observing how you react to it), while more people will do so by gradually increasing the temperature. They’ll try small, slightly offensive tests (they might mock us a little, say something inappropriate, etc.) and see what you tolerate. Then they’ll try a “higher temperature,” and then even higher… until they realize how far you are willing to accept their behavior.

📌 And don’t forget: the more we allow someone, the more we are open to their new mistakes. In a way: Well, if I allowed them to do this yesterday, why wouldn’t I allow them to do something else today?

While this process is happening, and we allow first one thing, then another, we lose our self-respect.

So, let’s take the worst-case scenario:

1. We started open to it (a crack in the wall).
2. We met someone precious to us, so we allowed them in our world.
3. And let’s allow that person to behave in a certain way.
4. Also, we found a person who is willing to destroy our self-respect.

Digression: It’s usually connected. If, for instance, our father or mother destroyed our self-respect, we’ll seek out a person who reminds us of them (that inner world I mentioned, which is the strongest glue to another person). That’s why they say: “a pot finds its lid,” “a rag finds its patch,” and we look for people who are compatible with us. If someone is willing to go far, they’ll find someone equally willing.

5. Through practice and exposure to this treatment, we sink even further. Not only did we start open to it, but we also had training with this new person.

6. And that’s where our self-respect is completely destroyed.

Steps to Regain Self-Respect in a Relationship

Regarding us:

Let’s Start From the Beginning

Because it is necessary to achieve results

If you started in a bad state, one that makes it easy for your self-respect to be undermined, I highly recommend going to therapy. You can do it independently, but it will be slower and more complex, like trying to treat a long-standing condition without professional guidance.

If you decide to try it on your own, you’ll need to talk seriously about the people who have undermined your self-respect, confidence, and self-love.

If you’re the one who did this to yourself, you’ll need to have many conversations with yourself about why you did it. What did you gain from it? What did you find in it?

Once you discover why you function this way, you must do everything oppositely.

In this reverse process, you might overcompensate in some areas, but that’s not important right now. What matters is that you question everything that led you to this state and apply new, opposite techniques to regain your self-respect in relationship. And if you are a bit harsher or misinterpret something, don’t pay too much attention to it. We can’t be perfect in our first attempts at anything.

These things will be regulated over time when you understand what you are doing.

How To Build Self-Confidence: Tips From a Professional

How You See That Person

This is obviously the next thing you need to reconsider.

In the first part of the text, I already mentioned that we “stick” the most to people who align well with our inner world’s needs. So, if you’re looking for someone who will destroy your self-respect, you will find them.

• I know how strange this sounds (if you are looking for someone who will destroy your self-esteem), but we are not governed by our conscious world, but by our unconscious, which usually demands the same treatment we were used to in childhood.

Any way, this is an excellent moment to understand why you chose that particular person.

Here are the questions you need to answer to better explain to yourself why you ended up in a relationship with someone who destroyed your self-respect:

• Who do they remind you of, or more precisely, whose treatment does their behavior remind you of?
• Why do you think you deserve this?
• What do you want from a relationship and partnership?
• Are you consciously getting what you want?
• Would the pain of leaving that person really be greater than the pain you’re enduring because you’ve lost your self-respect?
• What are you afraid of when trying to change that person?
• What are you afraid of if you lose that person, and is it really that terrible?
• What can you do to finally stop accepting the lousy treatment you’ve been subconsciously seeking (because it reminds you of the wrong treatment you received from _____)?

What New Things Can You Do for Your Self-Respect:

But in short:

• Do many small acts of self-love to send yourself the message that you are worthy.
• Stop doing harmful things to yourself to once again send yourself the message that you are worthy.
• Work on something that makes you feel proud of yourself, no matter how hard or long it takes.
• Be proud of yourself. Don’t just go through the motions—reflect on the fact that you did it.
• Express your opinions clearly. It doesn’t offend anyone.

This is just the beginning. If you master this, you can build on it. What’s important is that you reach the first essential message: that you are worthy. If you consider yourself worthy, you will begin to respect yourself.

Regarding Them:

Explain to Them the New Conditions For the Relationship

This is assertiveness, which I’ve explained in detail in this article. Assertiveness is demanding a certain treatment for yourself without fear, aggression, threats, or yielding.

There are good techniques for assertiveness, and today, I would suggest:

• Gather evidence that the person is doing something to you (write it down).
• Once you’ve gathered three instances of the person doing this, calmly tell them: “You are doing this to me” (for example, mocking me).
• The collected evidence is helpful when they start telling you that you’re imagining things.
• Once they realize the seriousness of the situation, they may start justifying themselves, explaining things to you… and perhaps even blaming you.
• Don’t get drawn into that; simply state briefly that this behavior will no longer be tolerated and that they must stop.
• Repeat this procedure for everything that others do to undermine your self-respect.

Clearly State the Consequences

If the person continues the same behavior, remember: don’t make empty threats. If you state what the consequences will be, follow through with them.

You also need to carefully assess what you’re afraid of in this step.

Are you fearful of losing this person? If so, is it indeed worse to lose someone who refuses to change the dynamics than to be in a relationship where you lack self-respect?

This is a question only you can answer, and your answer will help you determine your path.

📌 As I said at the very beginning, if you are really panicking about the possibility of losing that person, this is because this person provides something important to your emotional-psychological world.

I would like to say here that you need to find what it provides and then give it up. And it is an ideal therapeutic procedure. But it is enough to say to yourself: I am used to being humiliated. That person brought that to me and is now very important to me (of course, they also got other things into your life). But now I want a different relationship.

In my career, I have had cases where people give up on others very quickly and very slowly.

• And to be clear, I have nothing against you being in a relationship without self-respect. Many people are. And it’s not a mandatory thing. It’s just something that makes life better. But if you’re already in such a relationship, don’t be unhappy—accept it or leave. The worst thing is to be in a relationship that hurts you and not change anything. If you don’t want to change anything, make it easier on yourself and accept the treatment you’re getting.

Be Patient

If the person shows signs that they want to change because it’s important to them to stay with you—be patient.

Remember that this involves two people. Your partner contributed to destroying your self-respect, so they must change along with you.

It’s also good to remember that people don’t like to change dynamics; they prefer the old, familiar ground. Because of this, your partner might resist the changes in the relationship for a while, including your regaining of self-respect.

But if your partner is valuable to you and you are valuable to them, be prepared to overcome their resistance and establish a new dynamic.

This process can be long and exhausting, but it’s worth it.

If the Partner Refuses to Change

If they want to maintain the old dynamic, then it’s time to ask yourself two questions:

• Is it more important to keep this partner or your self-respect?
• If you’re in a relationship where someone doesn’t respect you, is that love?
• No matter how much you need such a relationship, is it love from their side?

And if you realize that it’s not love… unfortunately, now that you know, you won’t be able to unsee the fact that you’re not loved and you are in a bad relationship.

Maintaining Self-Respect in an Ongoing Relationship

Here, we’ll obviously divide into whether the relationship has survived or ended. For now, we’ll focus only on the assumption that it has survived; regaining self-respect after a breakup deserves a separate article.

So, your partner has agreed to stop doing the things they were doing before, and your relationship has survived.

Here’s how to maintain this.

1. Don’t Allow Old Dynamics to Return

First, keep in mind that people tend to revert to old dynamics.

And your partner will likely try to do so. It’s up to you to be aware of this and to prevent it as soon as you notice it happening.

2. Agree on Consequences for Disrespect

Communicate the consequences you must enforce if the person disrespects you. Discuss everything related to this clearly, including how many mistakes you’re willing to tolerate, how long the consequences will last, and what will happen if the same mistakes keep repeating. The more you articulate, the more convincing you’ll seem, showing that you’ve thought everything through. You’ll also appear less emotional and more reasonable.

3. Punish According to the Offense

The punishment cannot be the same for someone who playfully pinches you and for someone who insults and curses at you. At least, I don’t think it can.

4. Reward Good Behavior

This is also how we teach people how to treat us.

5. Communicate Your Value to Your Partner

Don’t be shy or hesitant to openly tell your partner how you now see yourself, how much you value yourself, and why.

You might feel embarrassed because you’ve never done this before, but it’s highly beneficial in this case. It’s beneficial to tell people what they should appreciate about you and why you’re important.

Tell them if people resist or don’t see your value and what they should appreciate about you. With enough repetition, they’ll eventually adopt this view.

6. Show Your Partner That They’re Safe with These Changes

You won’t leave if they start respecting you. You won’t become arrogant, and you won’t humiliate or defeat them. You also won’t seek revenge for the previous period when they harmed you.

• Note: All of this falls into the new unhealthy dynamics or breakups category. Here, I’m talking about an ideal scenario where you stay with your old partner but in a different relationship.

That’s all for staying in a relationship with your partner while trying to repair it and regain self-respect in that relationship.

If this doesn’t work, or if you realize from the start that you don’t need someone who didn’t respect you or who put you in a bad state… or if you know you’ve outgrown that person, that you can’t forgive them for what they did to you, or that they aren’t changing at a pace that suits you, then it’s time to leave that relationship.

Now… if you leave that relationship and still don’t have self-respect, you’ll soon find yourself in a similar relationship with someone else.

That’s why this is a crucial moment to regain your self-respect before entering a new relationship. And as I mentioned, that deserves a separate article.

But I hope this article has helped you and provided guidance on how to regain and maintain self-respect in a relationship. Dee