Hi, I’m Nadine Piat from Healthy You Healthy Love. Today, I’m going to reveal the biggest relationship killer that every human struggle with that kill love, attraction, and desire fast.
Even though we all struggle with this in different ways and most often, not in the best of ways. Hence, it’s what kills the attraction and can also be what kills a relationship.
So what is this relationship killer?
It’s fear.
Yup, you know that thing that can stop you dead in your tracks, can make you run for the hills or can see you ready to fight the big fight.
In relationships and in life we all experience fear.
The fear you might feel standing at the edge of a ledge after your friends convinced you to bungee jump is not the same kind of fear you might experience when it comes to matters of the heart.
There are so many common fears that surface when we’re dating and in a relationship.
There is the fear that you’ll never meet the man that you’d like to meet, the fear of dying old and lonely, the fear that no one will ever understand you, the fear of upsetting or disappointing others.
The fear that you will never get what you need or want.
All of these fears feel terrible. But the most debilitating fear that so many people have that stands in the way of a relationship developing that deeper bond is the fear of abandonment and rejection.
The reason why I call fear the number one relationship killer is that it hinders intimacy in a huge way.
Have you ever not asked for what you want in a relationship or in your life for fear of being rejected?
Have you ever been with a man having a lovely time laughing and cuddling then he said something that instantly triggers insecurity in you?
Fear can make an otherwise sane and capable woman or man turn into a ball of nerves and complication.
In a relationship, when fear of rejection and abandonment is triggered, a woman typically responds in one of the three following ways.
Some women become stuck and completely lose themselves.
She inevitably becomes a doormat.
Some women turn into runners.
They’d rather walk away than deal with their true feelings.
They’d rather reject the other person first than risk being rejected or abandoned.
In other cases, fear turns women into screaming banshees.
Basically, the woman protests with anger and aggression.
Instead of dealing with her fear and emotional triggers, she reacts in the form of shame and blame.
Basically, fear makes us want to freeze, flee or fight.
And… none of these three options are going to add to a relationship.
Fear cripples our souls.
When we are fear-crippled, we never act in a way that’s empowered, loving, and trusting.
No relationship is free of conflict or misunderstanding.
It’s part of relating to another human.
We will never always see things in exactly the same way.
We all have different ideas or ways of expressing our wants, needs, and values.
We all express love in different ways.
What respect means to me may be very different to what respect means to you.
I remember dating a guy about 10 years ago who I will call Jack.
He was a kind and devoted partner, though one night we had a discussion about having children.
What he had told me a few months ago when we first met was quite different to what he was telling me right now.
Jack already had three kids and he didn’t want any more. I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids, though he had initially told me he was open to it.
We were having this conversation in a restaurant and I was feeling kind of annoyed by what he was saying.
It wasn’t so much that he did or didn’t want kids, I was annoyed that Jack was now telling me a different story.
At that moment, I felt like I couldn’t trust him.
I didn’t raise my voice but I did share with him that I felt confused and perhaps a little misled.
He was 13 years older than me. I was in his position, I wouldn’t want any more children either. Though, instead of talking to me about it, he fled.
He just got up and walked out of the restaurant.
I went after him and he drove me home.
We barely spoke in the car. When he did speak, he was angry and completely removed.
When we got back to my place, we tried to speak but we kept moving around, wouldn’t sit down, he was erratic and then he just left.
He fled again.
I was so baffled. Why didn’t Jack want to talk to me?
I tried to call him and talk to him but he didn’t respond.
The next day he texted me to let me know that he would call me at the end of the day.
What I found out later is that Jack had dated a woman who was physically abusive towards him.
So, when I brought up the fact that I felt misled and I clearly was not feeling good about what he’d said to me, he was triggered and all he wanted was safety.
He had not dated many people after this abusive relationship.
He was still associating any discussion or mild conflict as a path that led to terror.
Once I knew this, it made sense— though being on the receiving end of it was horrible.
My fear of being rejected or meeting another guy who was a flake was triggered within me.
Probably at that very moment, he stood up to leave the restaurant if not before when I felt he’d lied to me.
Then his fear of being hurt and abused was also triggered which is what I call a fear-clash.
We ended up breaking up and remaining friends.
With his future relationships, I helped him to communicate with his partner more effectively so that she didn’t feel so abandoned and confused.
So why did I tell you this story?
Because this is a common relationship problem.
Everyone has triggers and we never know someone’s back story.
No matter what your or his history is, everyone can change their response to fear or to a perceived threat.
So what should you do in the face of relationship fear?
If you tend to freeze and do nothing and just take what you’re given or stonewall, if you tend to run away and not face your emotions, or if you lash out and destroy trust, then what can you do instead?
The path to change is what happens from the moment you’re triggered to the time that you respond.
This middle moment is where the magic of change and true intimacy happens.
This magic starts with you being raw and real about your true feelings.
When you go deeper, you get to the core of all issues.
And… once you know what you’re truly feeling rather than your fear of rejection and abandonment blindly running the show, you will then be able to articulate what you need or you may realize that there’s no real issue at all.
Either way, you’ll find a more effective way to communicate your thoughts and feelings and you’ll have a much better outcome with men because this is what men want.
They want you to be happy.
They want to please you.
…And a man can’t please you when you’re not talking to him, when you’re running away or when you’re lashing out at him.
Today, I want to encourage you to learn to embrace and reveal your vulnerabilities.
Sharing your vulnerabilities is a very different conversation than when you’re reacting to your fears.
Yes, you can still be uncomfortable and even fearful of revealing your vulnerabilities, your deeper feelings.
Even though you can still be at peace while revealing your true feelings— why would you want to reveal your vulnerabilities?
Because it’s the only path to an authentic relationship.
It’s not always easy to bring up something with the man you’re dating who is important to you, particularly if these things have been rejected in the past.
Yet the only way to have a loving and intimate relationship is to share your vulnerabilities from a place of trust and love though you don’t 100 percent trust the other person.
You are trusting yourself.
You’re trusting that it’s OK to express your needs and values. You’re trusting that your feelings are valid.
Sure, they may not always be accurate though they are valid.
Communication is a powerful way to work out compatibility.
To attract the very best type of man, there is no better way of working this out than letting him know what you truly value.
When you do this gracefully and with an open heart, amazing things can happen.
Men who really do want a loving mindful relationship will find your open communication very attractive.
He will know that no matter what comes up in the future, the two of you will be able to work it out.
He will start to feel safe with you.
So what if you’ve asked yourself what do men want?
How do you make a man love you?
How can I still make him want me even when there’s conflict, even when issues arrive?
Then this is the answer.
Fear is what kills relationships and attraction.
So don’t let your fear take over.
Stand out by finding out what’s really going on for you and if necessary, express your needs with heart.
That’s pretty much what men want and what attracts men.
Men who love the messed-up kind of drama will be drawn to a woman who’s easily triggered and highly reactive to her fears.
Men who want a loving, united, deeply respectful relationship will struggle with this.
Some insecurity can be endearing— though when it’s systemic, it loses it cuteness fast.
Before you go… there’s a deadly mistake that will drive a man away from you.
If you’ve ever felt like you were giving everything to your relationship only to feel taken for granted.
Or you’re never “enough” for him.
You’re on something called “The Heartbreak Treadmill.”
Find out what I’m talking about here now.
