If you’re dating someone and you’re not sure whether or not they’re right for you, what should you do?
Normally, you immediately know when there’s something off about a person.
But once you get invested enough, you’ll get confused.
If this is your case, then you need to read the signs you should stay away from someone even when they give you reasons to stay:
1. They’re Flakey
If you’re dealing with someone who sticks by their word and plans, then you’re dealing with a respectful person who deserves your presence.
And it doesn’t even matter at what stage of a relationship you’re in.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a serious relationship or not.
If you’re investing in someone who doesn’t follow through with their plans with you, then this is an obvious sign you should stay away from them.
No matter how attractive they are or what kind of amazing connection you two have together after you’ve followed through with your plans…
If they’re flakey, then they don’t respect your time and their word enough to offer you consistency for you to be with them.
Sometimes we get so invested in the potential that we forget to evaluate what’s right in front of us.
This misplaced investment is what makes us excuse flakiness and canceling plans.
Being okay with being flaked on is only going to teach you both that you deserve that kind of treatment.
2. They Aren’t Giving You Exactly What You Want
When things are going great in a relationship, especially at the beginning, it can be hard to ask for what you want.
You’re enjoying the interactions and dates you have a lot that part of you doesn’t want to ruin things by asking for something “too serious.”
Nobody wants to seem needy wanting more out of their connection at the time.
Most people want things to just fall into place — for transitions to be smooth and natural.
But that’s not how real life works.
Because nobody can give you what you want unless you ask for it.
That doesn’t always mean you must communicate your desires directly in the very beginning, you don’t have to be weird about it either.
But the first thing you need to do to get what you want is to present yourself as someone who has these specific goals.
If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then your talks and actions should reflect exactly that.
If you’re looking for a casual fling, then you shouldn’t behave in a way that promises anything other than that.
In order to get what you want, you must first know what you want.
And then act accordingly.
Once you’re congruent in your actions and words, then the other person should understand what your end goals are.
If they choose to stick with you after recognizing what you’re there for, you should get to a point where you’re comfortable enough to communicate directly what you expect from them and what you’re willing to give.
Now, this is a general approach to forming the dynamics you desire and leaving no room for confusion as things progress, but how you communicate depends entirely on your situation.
The main point is if you’ve presented yourself exactly how you want your relationship to be and communicated what you’re looking for, then it should be clear to whoever you’re dating that they have to give you what you want for the connection to progress.
If, after you’ve seen each other for a while, you don’t get what you want because they’re avoiding discussions you wish to have, then this is a sign you should stay away from them.
Any further investment on your part will only delay the inevitable disappointment.
When you pretend that there’s no problem not getting what you’re after and continue dealing with someone who doesn’t give you what you need, you teach them that it’s okay for you to not have it.
You let them know that what you want doesn’t even matter.
That they are more important than your future.
Don’t waste time doing something that doesn’t serve you, even if it feels great just right now.
3. You Don’t Know Where You Stand
Mysteriousness adds excitement to our relationships, that’s why we crave it.
But too much of it makes our bonds vague and gives us nothing to stand on.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how to draw a line that differentiates between the excitement of not knowing what will happen next and the frustration of not knowing what you’re dealing with.
A lot of guys are afraid to let women know what they should expect dating them.
And a lot of women are afraid to ask men where they’re headed.
So what ends up happening is that they keep postponing figuring out the direction of the relationship until someone gives in and addresses the elephant in the room.
Then, for some odd reason, they both get surprised when someone turns out to be not compatible with the other.
You don’t have to know where you stand from day 1, as you need to evaluate the person you’re with first and then make sure they can offer something you’re interested in.
But it’s easy to show the other what to expect from the get-go.
If you’ve been dealing with a person for a long time and they keep things vague, then you don’t know where you stand because you’re just tagging along.
It’s a choice you’ve made.
It takes two to tango, and if you’re always unsure of the relationship you have, then stop dancing.
You, deep down, do know where you stand, and it’s not where you want to be.
This is a sign you need to stay from them and you choose to keep ignoring it.
4. They’re Toxic
The reason why toxic relationships are addictive to some is that they engage emotions the most.
Strong emotions don’t always have to be good.
Even if you’re struggling and absolutely hate the person you’re dealing with, these are still negative emotions that can get you to invest and stick around.
Then get disappointed after being frustrated for not getting what you’ve worked for.
Unfortunately, we all need to go through one or two toxic relationships to get why they might seem compelling and then know why they aren’t worth it.
The more principles and boundaries you have for yourself, the less likely you’ll fall for toxic relationships.
Once you start exploring a relationship with someone who seems captivating and brings a lot of engagement into your interactions to the point where there’s too much push-pull, then you have a problem.
When the lines between exciting and toxic get blurred by negative stimulation, it’s a sign you should stay away from them.
That doesn’t mean you should settle for boring connections either, but they should have a positive direction that isn’t drama-filled on a regular basis.
You can always be with someone fun and build a strong and reliable foundation together.
5. They Don’t Respect Your Time
One of the very first signs that you should stay away from someone is when they’re always late.
Too many think it’s a harmless action and they don’t realize how it sets the tone for what comes next.
If you accept waiting for someone a couple of times, you let them know your time isn’t that important for them to consider.
You wait for no one.
Unless there are emergencies or you’re out to be with someone who has shown consistency in being on time, there is no reason to accept disrespect by keeping you waiting.
But you have to respect your time first so people do the same.
6. They Aren’t Fully Present
When you’re talking to someone who gives you their full attention, then they’re interested enough and respect you to the point where they want to give you their attention.
Sounds obvious, right?
The problem is that it’s obvious until you’re attracted to someone and want to spend time with them.
Then you might give them excuses for them not giving you their full attention.
If you’re out on a date and you’re dealing with someone who’s on their phone too much, then they don’t respect you.
Whether it was intentional or not doesn’t matter.
If they zone out too many times while you’re talking to them, it’s either you talk too much (oops) or they don’t care about what you have to say.
Just because they are on a date with you doesn’t mean that they like you.
Some people go out on dates because they’re bored and have nothing better to do.
Others go out expecting free meals.
You should always be judging the quality of the attention you’re getting from someone.
There has to be a consistency that you both need to give one another to enjoy your presence.
If you don’t feel that dedication from someone early on naturally, then it could be a sign that you should stay away from them.
7. They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries
When there are no boundaries, there are no foundations for relationships.
Boundaries support you in moving forward with someone.
They aren’t there to force anyone into doing something they’re not comfortable with.
And that’s the beautiful thing about relationships:
You can only be with someone if it’s your choice.
If you have clear boundaries set and communicated, they also have a choice for whether or not they should respect them and then be with you.
Agreeable people struggle to set boundaries sometimes because they either aren’t sure of what they want or are afraid of the consequences of setting boundaries.
Then react in a passive-aggressive manner when they aren’t treated in a way they appreciate.
If this is something you deal with, then you need to understand this:
People will treat you according to how you tell them to treat you.
If you don’t tell them, they’ll never know.
If they never know, then it’s your fault.
But if they do know and still choose to ignore your boundaries, then it’s your fault if you choose to accept it.
Now, that doesn’t mean you should sit there on the first date and start listing your boundaries…
You need to be socially smart and know how to communicate your boundaries one at a time depending on who you’re dealing with and how similar your values are.
It’s much easier to set boundaries with someone who has common sense and a good moral compass.
Choose someone who chooses to accept your boundaries
8. They Are There Only When It Suits Them
Before you commit to someone, you must always make sure there’s a common level of care and investment between you.
You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you think you’re alone.
You don’t have to be accommodating and helpful to those who don’t do the same for you.
Even though this might seem also obvious, a lot of people would rather stay accommodating instead of ending a taxing connection that brings them little value.
Those people think they somehow will lose something if they stop working on their relationship.
But you have to know that in such a situation, you never really won anything in the first place for you to lose it.
It’s because you’ve invested into a connection that makes you think you shouldn’t stop trying, otherwise, all of that work “would have gone to waste.”
But you don’t see that it’s already wasted and you don’t want to believe it.
So if you’re with someone who is never really there for you and only cares about you when it’s time for you to deliver, then only you could get yourself out of this fruitless relationship.
Only you can stop wasting time putting energy into an empty vacuum that will keep staying empty.
9. Your Values Aren’t Aligned
You’d be surprised at how surface-level people really are when it comes to choosing partners.
They fall for things like common interests, physical attraction, great intimacy, etc.
Now that’s not to say you shouldn’t be looking for these attributes.
But if you have great chemistry with someone you’re incredibly attracted to but you don’t share the same family values, then you’re not really compatible where it matters.
If you’re dating someone who likes the same food, hobbies, and travel destinations as you do but wants three kids while you want none, then what’s the point of all the dating?
Obviously, you need to date someone and take the time to get to know what their values are, but you first need to know what principles you follow to make the best dating choices.
Attraction, intimacy, and chemistry don’t mean anything if they don’t want the future you want to have and you’re both interested in having something serious.
So if you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t share your values and direction in life, then it’s a clear sign you should stay away from them before you get too invested.
10. They Aren’t Trustworthy
Great chemistry and attraction can push most couples to make illogical long-term decisions.
And one of these decisions sadly is committing to someone you don’t fully trust.
That doesn’t mean someone you don’t trust as in they cheat, lie, or steal.
But it means committing to someone who doesn’t know themselves and what they want to be taken seriously.
Think about it.
How many people out there stick to their words and take what they say and plan for seriously?
How often do people let go of their commitments when it gets tough?
Does it make sense for you to commit to someone who isn’t able to commit to themselves?
You need to make it a requirement to only invest in those who have built a stable foundation themselves.
You can only trust people who trust themselves.
No matter how much fun you have with someone, if they have no rigid rules and structure for their lives to follow, whatever connection you have is going to fail when things between you get serious.
If you know deep down that you can’t trust them when tensions rise or a bit of pressure is applied, then it’s a sign you should stay away from them.
11. They Are Unappreciative
Unappreciative people are human black-holes.
They are usually demanding people who have a habit of criticizing others without having the self-awareness to realize when it’s time to be quiet and offer something nice instead.
You’ll come across the unappreciative person at least once in your lifetime, and they will teach you how important it is to recognize the value people show you and how necessary it is to let them know you appreciate what they do.
There is no growth without appreciation.
Even the most giving person will get tired of investing and not getting anything in return.
The only way to move forward in a relationship is if you’re with someone who encourages you to keep offering value one way or another and if you’re doing the same.
When two people reward each other for doing their best for one another, not only does the relationship keep evolving and become more of a purpose, but it also withstands tensions and differences that may happen later on.
By showing and accepting appreciation, you convince each other that your relationship is worth putting the time and effort in so arguments will matter less.
It’s a sign you should stay away from someone when all they do is sit there, take what they want from you, and then judge you when stop giving for not being appreciated.
They might shame you for not being consistent or not continuing to do what you were supposed to do as a way to keep you giving with little to nothing in return.
But this is where boundaries come in to stop others from demanding your time and attention when it doesn’t serve you.
12. They Can’t Have Discussions Like Grownups
Discussions and differences will happen no matter how compatible people are with one another.
If someone has a knack for blaming you when they don’t get what they want, then you should stay away from them.
If they shut down and leave whenever you’d like to politely discuss differences that matter to you, then you should stay away from them.
If they listen just to respond all the time, then you run for your peace of mind and stay away from them.
If they lash out whenever you have a problem with them, then you must run for your life because you’re on borrowed time.
Great relationships aren’t decided by how much fun and how many good moments you have together but by how you both handle differences with the aim of staying together.
No matter how wise and smart you are, you can’t cover up for your partner’s part in a relationship if they can’t handle moments of anger, uncertainty, and pressure.
There has to be a common level of trust and maturity knowing you could go through most issues together without looking over your shoulder and wondering if your partner will break or snap at the slightest signs of dissatisfaction.
13. They Gaslight You
Gaslighting is often practiced by those who are narcissists or always see themselves as victims.
These are people who alter reality based upon what they think is “right” or helpful for them, even if it’s unfair or untrue for you.
Once you start dealing with someone who masterfully deflects accountability and blame from them and back at you, then you should take this as a sign you should stay away from them.
If you fall into the trap of convincing them what should be their reality, then you get invested in a drama that never ends.
Because accountability is something you either want to claim or you don’t.
If you spend too much energy and time trying to convince someone to take control and responsibility, you’re only setting yourself up for more negativity and arguments later on.
To them, you become that negative and dramatic person who keeps hassling them.
And it becomes a matter of time before they start gaslighting you again.
Never fall for the gaslighter’s toxic trap that requires you to explain yourself too often.
It’s either they understand what the truth is and react accordingly or they just choose not to.
Forcing the truth on someone will not only make them hate you, but it also makes them not respect your truth.
14. You’re Always Drained
Sometimes people fall into the trap of being in a relationship that might seem fine on paper.
But in reality, it is just draining them completely.
People take a while to reveal their true selves, and when they do, it’s a slow process for you to like or dislike the connection you’re in.
But when your gut feeling starts kicking in and tells you that you’re not happy, most of the time it’s true.
Unfortunately, what most of us do in these situations is ignore our instincts and try to rationalize why we have these negative thoughts.
But the longer we’re unhappy in a relationship, the more taxing it is for us when we keep staying.
Relationships are meant to help make life easier and more enjoyable.
If you’re with someone who is making life difficult for you on a regular basis, then no matter how much you excuse their behavior or rationalize being with them, you will still get more and more drained.
Unless drastic changes are made.
You don’t need a clear reason to recognize when a relationship is weighing you down.
If you are mentally or emotionally taxed all the time, then it’s a sign you should stay away from them.
15. Your Self-Confidence Has Dropped
You can tell whether a relationship with someone is good for you or not by how your self-esteem changes.
Great people empower and encourage us to move forward.
They give us more reasons to pursue our passions and dreams. They sometimes even participate just because they want to see us happy and fulfilled.
But when you have an incompatible or a selfish partner who’s all about receiving and not giving, you start losing “yourself.”
And the more you lose yourself, the less confidence you have.
We only feel confident when we’re in a situation that helps us perform and live in a way that resonates with us.
The more you’re forced to accept what you don’t like and the more pretending you have to do to find some short-lived “peace” with someone, the more you lose faith in yourself.
What you choose to put time and effort into either helps or harms you, so when you start noticing your self-esteem is taking a hit being forced to deal with someone’s poor behavior or a lack of understanding or support, then it’s a sign you should stay away from them.
Inauthentic connections will stop you from becoming who you truly and confidently are.
16. They Are Controlling
The desire to control the other in relationships stems from insecurity and ego.
When you lack faith in yourself, your qualities, and your ability to find options, you act with a scarcity mindset whenever you do manage to find someone.
When you do act upon a scarcity mindset, you’ll always act and react out of fear.
Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of loss, etc.
When fear is your main drive, you behave desperately.
You start manipulating loved ones whenever possible and then use a bit of force and intimidation when manipulation isn’t possible.
That’s how you end up with a controlling partner who thinks they have a say in everything you say or do.
When they fear losing you too much, they’ll always act and react emotionally and will consequently question your intentions all of the time.
If you find that off-putting, then you have every right to do so.
The problem with being controlling is that it never slows down; once someone you’re with is insecure and finds success in having you act in a way they’d prefer, they’ll never stop.
They’ll get greedy for more.
It’s your job to recognize when you should stay away from someone the moment they start judging your intentions and actions.
17. They Are Too Negative
Negativity is contagious.
It’s the easiest quality to spread and stick to others.
What we don’t always notice is that when we’re dealing with negative people, we slowly change the way we think and absorb the negativity without noticing.
We become victims and critics of our own reality instead of doing what’s necessary to form the life we want.
Whenever you have a relationship with people who are negative, they will sit and complain about their circumstances for the most part.
And every time you try to help them by offering solutions, they will always either have an excuse or ignore the practical advice you give them.
Because all they want to do is complain.
By offering to do something about it, you’re actually getting in their way of being the negative people that they are.
While also risking the chance of getting infected with negativity as well.
You should stay away from people who aren’t willing to enjoy their lives, even if they hate you for it.
18. They Are Not Self-Reliant
No matter how much you love someone, never be their parent or babysitter.
When someone requires a lot of care and attention to feel good about themselves, then it’s a sign you should stay away from them because they’re very dependent on you.
This may seem nice at first as you might find it cute that they rely on you and ask for your help and guidance for everything they do.
Even though it makes you feel important, it eventually weighs on you and takes away from the energy and attention needed to focus on your own habits and tasks.
There’s nothing wrong with being with someone who asks for your opinions and takes on their choices and decisions, this is in fact very healthy and shows that you care about one another.
But if you notice you’re always being stopped and interrupted to help them, then you’re being with someone who can’t be self-reliant on important and basic matters.
And you’re not really getting paid to babysit them or nurture them as a parent.
You’re looking for a mature partner you can share life with, not someone to look after.
19. They Have No Connections Outside You
Be careful of getting attached to people who have no friends or connections.
Very few people can have no inner circles while having a great attitude and being good company at the same time, but these are a small minority of people who know how to be alone and don’t need anyone’s attention to validate them.
Most people don’t know how to be alone and it shows when they lack relationships and friendships.
So once desperate people do manage to find a romantic connection, they put all their eggs in one basket and slowly become needy and clingy with their partners without realizing it.
The issue with being the only person they have is that, as in the self-reliance point, you’ll have to deal with the consequences of a scarcity mindset.
You might have to deal with the pressure of making sure whoever you’re dating is engaged and stimulated, even if it’s something you don’t want to do.
If they have nobody but you, you’ll be obligated to make them happy more often than you’d like, and nobody wants to be in a connection where they are obligated to do something.
Before you commit to someone, make sure they have their social life in order.
20. They Are Judgmental
Judgmental people will bring out the worst in you.
It always starts off with a slick comment about what you think or do, and then as you just ignore it, these snarky and unnecessary comments snowball into long lectures of criticism.
Many people ignore judgment when they’re trying to impress someone they see a future with.
They listen to these judgments and even rationalize why they’re receiving them.
But it becomes a matter of time before they realize they aren’t accepted for who they are — only what they should be.
It’s at that point where you start second-guessing yourself and thinking too much before speaking and acting hoping you’re not saying the wrong thing.
This would cost you the longer it goes on.
It’s your responsibility to make sure you only invest time into experiences that serve you.
Being in a relationship where what you think and say cannot be accepted is one of the most harmful situations you can allow yourself to be in.
21. They Are Self-Absorbed
The goal of being with someone is to share a good life with them and build memorable experiences together.
If you can’t even share your life with them, then you should stay away from them.
They could be the most attractive and nicest person in the world, you must be able to express yourself freely and be understood to a certain point.
They don’t have to accept everything form of expression from you, but they should have the capacity to listen, ask, and relate to you for your bond to be considered healthy.
There are a lot of charismatic, well-put-together, good-looking, and smart people out there for you to talk to but never to invest in.
And the reason is them being too self-absorbed.
These kinds of people seem great initially until you try to connect to them, then you realize that your attempts to connect go in one direction — you listen and relate to them, but they don’t do that for you.
Communication from them is them communicating and that’s it.
They can’t take advice, criticism, opinions, jokes, etc.
In their minds, the world revolves around them and so should you.
And it’s not that they are bad people, it’s just that they have never been taught to listen.
They can hear you, but they can’t listen.
So the more you spend time with them, the more lonely you will get.
When you’re out there dating and you start noticing you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t care to ask about you beyond small talk or only asks you just so you do the same, then it’s probably a sign you should stay away from them.
22. They Have a Bad Circle of Friends
You’re the average of the five people you spend time with.
So if you want to judge what your future with someone would look like, pay attention to who they surround themselves with.
For the most part, people are heavily influenced by their inner circles.
If someone has great friends who help them make productive decisions, then they’ll probably be grounded with maturity.
If they’re with friends people are out partying all the time, then you’re going to deal with the headaches that come with that kind of lifestyle.
And should you choose them, it would be wrong of you to try to change them and their friends.
Because not only will you eventually fail at changing a system that has already been placed ages before you, but you will be blamed at one point for not accepting who they are and will be treated accordingly.
So before you make the conscious decision of being with someone, first vet their friends and make sure no one is going to cause you major issues down the line.
23. They Are Too Emotional
If you want to build an unshakable foundation with anyone, the type that lasts for a lifetime, then you both can’t be too emotional.
Being emotional is the number one reason why we say and do things we don’t mean — things that we regret for a very long time.
People who are too emotional make unnecessary mistakes that eventually scar the strongest of relationships.
Intense and quick anger, deep sadness, excessive worrying…
All these negative and strong emotions prevent you from having a connection with someone you can fully trust and rely on.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel negative emotions, you’re human after all.
But there must be a degree of self-control where you know that no matter what happens, there are boundaries that neither you nor your partner will cross.
There has to be that level of trust for you to be able to stand your ground when life hits either of you with its problems.
Otherwise, you won’t make it.
24. You Just Don’t Feel It
You don’t always need a clear reason to not be with someone.
Sometimes a sign you should stay away from someone is when you don’t have obvious signs to be with them.
So many men and women out there fall into the trap of committing to what they think they should be with, not who they really want to be with.
If you don’t want to be with someone, then you shouldn’t be with them.
It’s obvious, but a lot of people look at good qualities and appearance instead of how much they actually want to be with them.
If you have a checklist of qualities that need to be fulfilled for you to be with someone, then you might end up settling for who’s good on paper.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have certain non-negotiables, but what you desire is always going to be different from what you generally expect.
Always keep an open mind when you’re navigating the dating world.
Trust Your Instincts
After understanding all of these signs, you should have a guideline to follow when making decisions about someone in the back of your mind.
Once you have the knowledge, your instincts should handle the rest and tell you whether or not someone is good for you.
It takes a few seconds for your gut to tell you you should stay away from them.
But once you start rationalizing the doubts your instincts present you, you start confusing yourself.
This is where you start overthinking and coming to the wrong conclusions.
Your instincts are going to see what your eyes can’t, so don’t question yourself when you feel that something is wrong.
