What to Do When He Doesn’t Call When He Says He Will

Have you ever been on the edge of your seat waiting for a call from a man who said he would call but didn’t?

If so, you’re not alone. Many people find themselves in this situation and often don’t know what to do.

Before you start to panic about what it means or where things are going, here are some tips on what to do the next time this happens to you.

Get yourself in a non-reactive state

Begin with a gentle inquiry and get yourself in a non-reactive state because if you want it to be productive, you have to start it with this frame of mind. 

Once you are in your calm zone, send a note and ask if this is a good time to chat (a good time to talk means he is also in a good space).

Suggest that he should let you know if he is not able to call

Let him offer an explanation. Suggest in the future that if he is not able to call when he said he would, he could just text you or let you know so that you can adjust your time and expectations. 

Related: How to Let Go of Expectations & Why It’s Important

If it is a chronic problem, tell him, “I’ve noticed this seems to be a bit of a pattern. Is this something you are willing to work on?” Again, be non-reactive. It is way better to go in gently as opposed to getting angry. 

Don’t project past triggers into your current relationship

If you feel you are getting upset and the lack of communication isn’t a chronic problem, it may be that you have your own triggers. 

If you have triggers where you have felt abandoned and unimportant as a child; or you had issues in a past relationship, don’t project that into your current relationship.

If you have done all of these things and you still have trouble, either he has a problem he hasn’t addressed, or he may not be ready for the kind of relationship you want. 

It is crucial to have a clarifying conversation about what is behind the behavior. And remember, don’t personalize it. If he has an issue and is not keeping up with a commitment or phone call, don’t personalize it. It isn’t about you; it is his issue.

If he says he will call and he doesn’t do so, consider you may have dodged a bullet. This is a statement of character; unless he had an emergency that prevented him from keeping his word, move on. 

That is if you value integrity, and showing up is a “must-have” trait in a partner/relationship. Otherwise, know that he may or may not show up, call, or be there physically or emotionally if you choose to give him another chance. 

Trust your gut and intuition

After a first date, some guys are uncomfortable saying that you are simply not a match, but he wishes you well. Sometimes they use “I’ll call you” as a throw-away statement and do not really mean it. 

Most of the time, you can feel the sincerity or vulnerability in someone’s words. Usually, a man will look into your eyes when he says this, or you just feel a certain energy in his voice.   

Work on yourself and accept that it’s part of the process

Most importantly, work on yourself to not be devastated if a guy says he’ll call and then does not. You may be disappointed, but you won’t be thrown into the mindset of “See? They are all like that! You just can’t trust men!”

Expect that this will happen as you are dating. Accept that rejection may be protection and definitely can be a redirection, but it does not have to be self-rejection. It’s part of the process. 

Understand your relationship patterns and unconscious expectations

The book “Attached“ by Levine and Heller or “Bad Boyfriends“ by Kinnison are excellent resources that will allow you to understand your own attachment style, relationship patterns, and your unconscious expectations of a partner. 

Attachment styles, which are shaped by our early caregivers by age three, are either secure or insecure. Insecure attachment styles are either anxious, avoidant, or a combo: anxious-avoidant. 

The good news is that insecure attachment styles are reparable, starting with awareness and commitment to learning how to create a secure attachment with a willing partner. 

Know your values and “must-haves” as you are dating and shopping for a partner. If someone is out of line with your values, then you get to use your favorite 4-letter word: “Next!”  

Related: How to Figure out What You Want in a Relationship

Don’t beat yourself up — build yourself up 

Don’t assume that he didn’t call because he’s rejecting you or that he’s not interested in you. It’s easy to play a mental horror movie in your mind called, “I’m not enough.” 

Don’t misinterpret a missed phone call as some indictment of your romantic worth. Remind yourself what a great catch you are, no matter what happens with this guy. 

Try this mantra: “There are a million more men—and I have more to give.” This shifts your mindset away from false stories about rejection towards the abundance of dating options for you. 

Get him more invested in you

The cold, hard truth: Odds are, the reason he didn’t call you is because you’re not yet important enough to him. That is, he’s not invested enough, especially if you haven’t met him in real life. 

Would he have forgotten to call, say, Gal Gadot or a woman he’d met and clicked with? Heck no. So you want to try to get him more invested in you. 

This isn’t personal. It’s just the nature of dating in 2022 when attractive singles have so many options. It takes more work to stand out and make someone get into you. The good news is that the way you navigate his not calling you can increase his investment in you so that he’ll call you the next time.  

Wait 48 hours before reaching out

If you still want to date him, you can text him—but wait at least 48 hours. Don’t message him right away, saying, “I thought you were gonna call?” That will make you look eager, try-hard, and probably turn him off. 

Instead, behave as you would if you had three other handsome, charming men trying to date you. With that sort of abundance, you wouldn’t be in a hurry to contact “Mr. Forgot to Call.” 

Waiting 48 hours shows him that you have the self-worth to wait a while before reaching out. That sort of confidence is attractive to men. 

Text him with humor, not hostility

You may feel “stood up” and rejected, but resist the urge to send an angry message. It won’t help you get what you want—a phone call and a date. It will either make him defensive or make him ghost you. 

Also, don’t ask him for an explanation. That will make him justify his behavior. Instead, after waiting at least 48 hours, text him a message to remind him that he missed your phone date, but do it with charm and humor.

Text him something like this: “Dear diary… A handsome gentleman has gone missing! Send search party?” And add the flashlight emoji for a dash of playfulness. 

Don’t make him apologize. Make him smile! Humor and charm will give you a good chance of reconnecting and setting up another call. 

Try the F.O.M.O. testing strategy

Remember, you want to get him more invested in you. That’s what compels a man to call. A powerful way to get a man’s attention is to show him what he’s missing out on.

So, after he misses your call, your next text message can be something like this (again, wait a couple of days before sending): “Ohh, hey sorry, we missed each other the other night… I’ve been busy with [allude to pic].”

And attach a photo of you dressed-to-kill and out in the world having fun— brunch with your girlfriends, laughing at the coffee shop, playing frisbee at the beach, and the like. This reminds him how active and attractive you are, and he’ll realize what he’s missing. 

Practice empathy

There’s a chance he didn’t call—or text in advance to reschedule—because something truly urgent happened in his life. Leave open that possibility. It feels good to lead with empathy, rather than assuming he’s a forgetful jerk. 

Understand the context and examine your thoughts and actions

What to do when he doesn’t call and says that he will is an age-old dilemma. Everyone has had it happen to them. 

First, you need to put in the proper text and go from there. Were they stuck later at a work dinner and just called you later than planned, or is this someone who said they would call and didn’t do it at all. 

Is this your boyfriend that tends not to call when he is out drunk with his friends occasionally, or is this the guy that said he would call after the first date and didn’t? 

It’s all a matter of context, and usually, you need to examine your thoughts and actions. There are so many times men say they will call and don’t. You can read a lot into it but don’t. 

Most times, when he doesn’t call and says he will, there isn’t a benefit of the doubt thing. You just know he isn’t really into you. He wasn’t abducted by aliens or hit by a car. Remember that if he is knocking at your door or ringing your phone, he’s interested. If he isn’t doing this, he probably isn’t. 

Consider your timetables

We all perceive time differently. This is quite obvious, but we often forget in our overthinking about the situation. 

Assuming you are in the early stages of your relationship, maybe you’ve been on a couple of dates, but you have not made it official yet. How much do you really know about his day-to-day life?

• Does he have a regular 9-5 work schedule? Then he most likely cannot call before or after those times. 
• Does he work the night shift? Then he is most likely spending his mornings sleeping. 
• Does he have a lot of things going on this week? Not having the time is quite often the main reason. 

If anything, maybe your timetables do not clash, and he does not want to bother you at an inappropriate time.

Now, assuming you are already in an established relationship, the relationship matures with you. He won’t call or text as much as he used to when you were still getting to know each other. 

It could also be a change in lifestyle, a family emergency, a new job opportunity, etc. If something new came up, it could just be that it slipped his mind. It’s easy to assume he is losing interest because he didn’t call at a time you consider to be “adequate.”

Avoid venting out on social media

Now, many of us often rush to social media to vent out our frustrations on the subject. The bad news about this is that you’re most likely giving him one more reason not to get back to you. 

You might think you are being subtle in your post, but he wasn’t born yesterday. An angry or sad post could even make him feel that this is not a good time to call you and delay it for when you might be in a better mood.

Related: How Social Media Affects Relationships

Some of us even attempt to fill our social media with posts showing how much we don’t care because we’re doing something other than waiting for him to call. 

Not going to lie; depending on his personality, he might call to join the party, but if he tends to be shy, you might come off as not having time and make him put off his call to you altogether.

I can’t stress this enough, but do not post pictures of you with other men! Yes, you will most likely make him think that he was late calling you back, but you’ll also most likely make him believe he lost his chance with you. He will be disappointed initially and eventually decide it’s time he moves on to another romantic conquest.

Make the first move

Finally, you could be the one to call him back. Just because he said he’d be calling it doesn’t mean you can’t be the one to make the first move. 

In fact, it’s more likely going to make you seem more approachable if he was second-guessing or hesitant. If he was not interested, you’re also allowing him to give your relationship a second chance.

Calling is also not the only option. A text from you might be what he needed to remember his promise to you. If he starts texting back, it’s also a good sign; while a call is far more personal, texting allows him to communicate with you without being too obvious to the people around him.

Of course, try not to send a five-page essay about how you’ve been waiting for his call. Begin with a simple, casual message. Ask about what he had been up to or if he has any plans for the day. You can also let him know that you’ve been thinking about him, and a little flattery can go a long way for men.

Remove and let go of your expectations

The first thing I’d like to share, which many may not want to hear, is that if you are getting bent out of shape because he (or anyone for that matter) doesn’t call when he says he is going to, it’s because you have an expectation of how you think he should respond or behave. 

It is our expectations that create the majority of our frustrations in any area of life. Remove your expectations, and you remove your dissatisfaction in every case. 

I know this may seem hard to hear and maybe even unreasonable, but it is really important to ask yourself why you expect him to call in the first place and the deeper meaning you feel it translates to. Also, consider that your thoughts about what it means aren’t necessarily the case in reality. 

Just because someone doesn’t call when and how you expect them to doesn’t mean they don’t care or value you in their life. It could mean that if he can’t give his undivided attention, then he’d rather wait until he can. 

Don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t interested in you

I invite you to ask yourself if you might be inflicting results from previous situations and experiences on your current relationship.

It is possible that he didn’t contact you because he didn’t really want to. But if this is the case, then why would you waste your time on someone who really isn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with you.

This does not equate as a reflection of your worth or value to a man or life in general. It simply means you might not be a good fit for him. And if you aren’t a good fit for him, then he ultimately is not a good fit for you either. 

Know your deal-breakers

What women tend not to understand, and I speak this from previous experience, is that the tighter you hold the reins and attempt to control his behavior (consciously or unconsciously) for your own comfort level and satisfaction, you’re actually pushing him away even if he is really into you. 

We are all perfectly imperfect human beings. No man, or woman, wants to be controlled, judged or tracked for every minor imperfection. You must ask yourself, in any relationship, what the deal-breakers are for you. 

If you are unwilling to tolerate an unreceived call from time to time, then this is something you need to express to him right from the beginning. If it happens a few times, then it is a clear sign he doesn’t respect your values, and there is no reason for you to waste time pouring your energy into faulting him and devaluing him for it. 

Be more understanding

Consider whether you are always perfect at returning calls when you say you’re going to. 

• Does life ever get in your way? 
• Even when you have the best intention, do you periodically get sidetracked? 
• Do you ever forget to do something because it temporarily slips your mind or because you are so engrossed in something that you didn’t realize how much time had lapsed? 

Depending on a person’s age or health, they could be starting to experience some forgetfulness that is simply that, and maybe they could use a bit more understanding because they could be quite frustrated with this and embarrassed to say so. 

We need not be so controlled and unwilling to accept that life is life and sometimes he, or you, are not perfect. If your child was seriously hurt and he didn’t come to your aid, or you were in labor, and he chose to play a round of golf instead, that might be a different story. 

The easiest and best way to not be disappointed or disgruntled about a situation is to refrain from setting expectations in the first place for things that are not life-threatening or life-supporting. The world would be a better place if we removed and let go of expected outcomes and just accepted and allowed life to unfold.

Don’t jump to conclusions

It’s important to keep your cool and not jump to conclusions. He may have had a stressful day and simply forgotten that he said he would call you that day, or he may have had an emergency. Give him some grace before you get angry.

Don’t let one missed phone call impact your day

The fact that he didn’t call should not impact the rest of your day. Do whatever you had planned to do and enjoy yourself! Don’t waste mental space overthinking the fact that he didn’t call.

Related: How to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship

Set clear expectations

The next time you speak to him, it’s crucial that you set clear expectations. Your tone is important. You don’t want to come across as needy or clingy. 

Allow him to apologize and move forward

Great relationships involve a lot of forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes. Allow him to apologize and then move forward. Don’t continue to bring it up or be mad about it.

Wait for an explanation and apology before getting upset

Okay, unexpected emergencies or distractions happen to all of us…sometimes. Wait for an explanation and apology before getting upset. If there is no explanation or apology, go on point and watch future behavior. 

This is a small red flag. If this is the 2nd or 3rd time this has happened, it’s time to decide if you want someone in your life who is undependable, disrespectful, and unapologetic. 

Look into the “bigger red flags”

Give him a fair warning that he’s on probation. Tell him how you feel when he doesn’t follow through with his word. Bigger red flag if he blows off your complaint and acts like it was no big deal. If this happens repeatedly, run! 

A professor of mine said this, “When a person shows you who he is, believe him.” It’s behavior, not words that tell you the character of a person. How he acts in one area of life can be taken as a huge clue about how he will act in other areas. 

He’s telling you that his own word doesn’t mean much to him, that promises are meant to be broken at his convenience, and that you’d be a fool to count on this person for anything important! 

Do not make excuses for him or accept his excuses. Just know that you are worth more respect than he gives you — and run!

Avoid complaining or criticizing him

A man may not realize that to a woman, calling her when he said he would call shows her that he’s a man who keeps his word. But if you criticize or attack him, you may be pushing him away. Instead, say what he needs to hear.

Show concern and care

Ask him if he’s okay. There may be a valid reason he didn’t call. Showing concern can make him feel that you care about him and motivate him to call when he says he will because he doesn’t want to disappoint you.

I coached a man who had arranged to call his girlfriend at a certain time one evening after he put his children to bed. But while putting his kids to bed, he fell asleep and didn’t call her at the time he said he would.

She was hurt, but he was also disappointed that she hadn’t given him the benefit of the doubt.

Relieve his fear of being controlled

Another reason a man may not call when he said he would is that he may fear being controlled. He may have been in a controlling relationship, and he’s acting like he is still in that relationship.

Related: How to Stop Being Controlling in Your Relationship

Telling him that you assumed something urgent had come up, and that was why he wasn’t able to call you can relieve his fear of being controlled. Saying what he needs to hear can motivate him to be more attentive to contacting you when he said he would.

Put your sanity first

Typically, people tell you to simply get closure so that you can formally move on. I disagree. It’s not that simple. First, you need to decide if that closure is worth potentially messing up your sanity. 

How did your relationship end? Is there any trauma associated with that individual? Especially when it comes to manipulative, toxic partners, you might just be better off not reaching out repeatedly for closure. 

Distance and regain self-love

Whenever you’re feeling hurt post-breakup vis-a-vis ghosting, try to distance yourself from the situation. I’ve always advised my couples to maintain their own friends, hobbies, activities, jobs, and so on. 

You need that clarity and independence to learn how to control your feelings, and it’s that skillful compartmentalization that will help bring about a conscious feeling of self-love instead!

Remember, it’s okay to take your time – and actually encouraged to do so! It’s not easy or fast; instead, an iterative process that’s very much needed for the rest of your life. 

Do not call him first

Not hearing back from him — a date or a new relationship — could cause you to worry, and in today’s society, you could be experiencing the beginning stages of being ghosted. There’s not much you can do in that situation.

I recommend not giving him the call first. With this approach, there’s a good chance they will think of you and miss you. If not, consider it your gain to be free of someone who doesn’t have the dignity to call when he says he will. If it wasn’t determined who would call, it’s fine to be the first to reach out since someone has to, and neither is above the other.

This could also be a case of playing hard to get.

On coaching calls with me, the men who play hard to get told me they do so by not contacting women after a first date, ignoring them for days at a time, and pretending that they aren’t interested in her.

To me, that is a game of who is going to blink first, and then if it doesn’t work out, both assume the other isn’t interested and fret that the dating world is too complicated and tough these days.

Be patient and deliberate

If you didn’t get a call, don’t fret. Be patient and deliberate about finding the right person. You can be cautious and reserved without going over the top, and things should still progress. You can still feel the hope of finding the right person without completely exhausting yourself for dating.

If and when they call you, and you are still interested, don’t go straight into rejection. Rejecting them can absolutely destroy that momentum.

Mimic his investment in you

1. Don’t do anything. Mimic his investment in you. If he wants to call you, he will. Period.
2. Accept that he may never call. If he doesn’t contact you, don’t take it personally. He did you a favor and wasted less of your time.
3. No matter what you do, do not call him! When you take on a more aggressive mentality toward the romantic situation, guys automatically see it as a turnoff. 
4. Live your life! Don’t sit pacing in your room, waiting for your screen to light up with his name. The more you keep to your routine, the more you’ll forget about him and focus your energy elsewhere. He’s not worth obsessing over.

Confront him but don’t start a fight

As a relationship expert myself, one of the common problems in a relationship is breaking promises like this one: he promises to call you but ends up not calling you.

As for me, the best thing to do is to not jump to conclusions, especially when you know that he is a busy person. You can definitely confront them but without the international of starting a fight.

This will help them remember the next time they tell you a promise like this and everything follows. Communicating with your partner on how to get the relationship better is the best way to fix things.

My grandmother tried to help me recover from my first heartbreak over a partner not calling. I was obsessing, wondering, and worried! Why isn’t he calling? I had three lovely dates, and I really liked him. But, I kept looking at the phone. I even had my sister call my phone to ensure it was still working correctly.

Don’t seem too eager or ready.

My grandma told me her story. You see, she had been an “ever-ready girl.” You know the type; starved for attention, always ready for a date, and always said “yes!” As it turned out back in the day — this was a turn-off to high-caliber men.

As she explained it to me, it was important that we don’t seem too eager or ready. If a young man thinks you are always available and actually waiting for his calls, this can be scary because what else is there for him to work towards or for?

My grandmother met my grandfather in an elevator in Manhattan. They worked in the same building and eventually started casual chatting and pleasantries in the elevator for months. Until one day, he asked her if she would be interested in going on a date to ice skate.

She thanked him but said, “No, thank you,” then graciously explained that she had just started a Novena (9 days of prayer). My grandfather told her he would wait. He waited and appreciated that she was the type of woman he would need to work for.

Eleanor was not an ever-ready girl; she had goals, focus, and a purpose. This attitude was foreign to him and intriguing. She made him wait, and when William asked Eleanor for a date after the Novena, she said yes. They had their first date at Central Park and were married six months later. They were married for 50 years.

The lesson in modern terms is, never be an ever-ready girl. If he says he will call and he doesn’t, then that fellow is not meant for you.

Find out about him and his habits before things get too far

A polite, honest young man with good intentions will never make a lady wait. He will wait for her. Perhaps this is a bit old-fashioned, but according to grandma, it is always good to find out about a young man and his habits before things get too far.

If he doesn’t call, he is not the type of man you would want anyway because at the end of the day, your fellow isn’t dependable and trustworthy. You are lucky to know right away.

I share these words of wisdom with my 25-year-old daughter as she tries to navigate dating and figure out the mystery of why they don’t call.

Don’t make assumptions

A healthy relationship necessitates open communication and trust. Overthinking and making fake assumptions can destroy your happiness and peace of mind. 

It’s possible that he had gotten preoccupied with something else or that he simply forgot to call you. You can send him a quick text message reminding him to call you when he’s available.

Have an honest face-to-face discussion

Communication is key, and I cannot emphasize it enough. When anything concerns you or your partner, have honest face-to-face communication. 

Tell him you were looking forward to hearing from him and were disappointed when he didn’t call you, especially when he said he would. Be patient and make an effort to understand his position.

Handle and accept your emotions and feelings

Let’s be honest, we have all been in this situation before, and no matter what’s our age or experience, if you care about someone, you hope he’ll call back. If he doesn’t, it’s not that pleasant.

Why do we feel like this? Because we have expectations, it’s normal, don’t worry.

You should learn how to deal with this situation, like dealing with uncertainty and fear of rejection. In this instance, you need to handle your emotions and feelings as they are simply a temporary reaction to the expectation you have of him calling you back.

They seem so pressing and important right now, but probably in two weeks, you won’t care at all. The way I do it (and it works pretty well) is to try and understand what’s going on with me, acknowledge my emotions and feelings, and then accept them.

It’s totally fine to have emotions, good and bad; you are human after all. Don’t fight them, instead become aware of them. They’ll pass without you investing a tremendous amount of energy in trying to control them.

Think about this. When you are happy about something, does this feeling last forever? Unfortunately, no. When you are angry or sad, does this feeling last forever? No, thank God. So, see, emotions are transitory— they’ll pass.

You just need to recognize them and accept them. Everything will be a lot easier, trust me. Just give it a go, and see for yourself.

I’ve dated a few guys like that, and here’s what I’d share with my daughter too when she grows up:

Prioritize yourself

Don’t expect a guy to call all the time, especially in the beginning. Keep it light and breezy, and just go with the flow.

When you think about yourself first, you’ll think of ways to make yourself happy. You’ll have activities, hobbies, meet up with friends — you’ll be too busy living your life to wait for a text or call from him. So you’ll keep yourself busy, instead of waiting for a guy to call you.

Forgive but don’t forget

If the guy specifically mentions that he would call and you can’t help but wait for his call, yet he didn’t, brush it off. 

It’s normal to be disappointed, even maybe feel a bit sad, especially if you’ve started developing some feelings for him, but just take note of this incident. Notice how often he does this, how he’s around you, and how he responds to you via text or call.

If he doesn’t prioritize you, don’t expect anything from this relationship, especially if you want a serious one. Slowly let him down, start turning down his invitations to dinners, dates, etc. If he doesn’t come around and get serious, then he’s not ready for a relationship yet.

Frequently Asked Questions